All I can say is it’s about fucking time unicorns got what they deserved. Year after year, they show up in fantasy art looking all mystical and glittery. Granting wishes. Spearing things. Peeing on your grandma’s corpse. Kicking babies. Stealing your underpants… Wait a second, that’s not unicorns. That’s me!!!

via Jame “No Joke” Hoke

I like this quilt because I like horses. Of course, I prefer them in the form of a gluestick, but that’s just because I’m a total bitch.

Any side of the bed this cuckoo clock wakes you up on is the wrong side. Of course, I don’t need any inspiration to wake up as a haunted, homicidal schizophrenic. My morning murder rage is entrenched and dependable as your bed-wetting. But, I guess The Shining Cuckoo could be a step up from the Jenna Jameson alarm clock I’ve been using – decorating-wise. Just depends on what kind of Stabbin’ Cabin I feel like living in that day.

Here’s a great way to up-cycle your way into heaven, a cork tray that turns a used wine bottle into a centerpiece or serving stand. Can’t find the cork, you say? Here’s a hint, Pervy McPervdorf: you keep it up your ass.

This Monster Party looks like a total snooze-fest. Lemme guess: you’re playing Band of Horses songs on that fucking ukulele. I love a Monster Party as much as the next guy, but I prefer loads of booze, a medicine cabinet full of pills, and some drunk nineteen-year-old monster slut flashing her multiple set of tits.

With the invention of this, there are now officially two ways to give someone a Bob Ross. One that involves happy little trees and one that involves sad little lower backs.

Here’s a dish towel that says “Do the Dishes” with the letters made out of dishes. I think this is fantastic and would like to order the following versions:

A whore towel (for wiping off your whores, duh) that says “Big Pimpin” with the letters made out of pimps.

A poo towel that says “Just Poo It” with letters made out of poos.

A lace towel laced with acid.

A face towel that’s made out of real face.

I like guns. I like neon. Put them together and what do you get? A set of wet underpants.

If you ever take three Ambien and start playing a tune on your Pan flute you may find yourself sailing off in a wooden shoe over a beautiful sea of dew. I heard about it once from some drunk guys I caught having a threesome in the bathroom of a Burger King. I think their names were Wynken, Lincoln and Todd? Anyways, they claimed the stars would be herring fish, but when I got there, the stars were just anthropomorphized farts. If you’ve ever wondered to where your fart mysteriously disappears when you blast one on a plane, now you know.

Fantastic art I made a fart joke about by The Black Spot Books.

Wall-Mount Test Tube Vases? More like Wall-Mount Condom Vases. I can’t help it: when I look at these I see condoms. Also, when I look at hot dogs, I see penises, when I look at coin purses, I see vaginas, when I look at apples and oranges, I see butts and boobs, and when I look at Oprah, I see hope for humanity. What? I may be a pervert, but I’m still a woman!

Oh boy, this came from Oh Joy!