I hear this dresser only goes out with much younger bookshelves… Well fuck, I just googled “cougar” and it turns out they ain’t gots no spots. Judges ruling? Incorrect joke post stands. Court adjourned.

Hello, internet, Urban Outfitters customers and world at large, I’m pleased to introduce today’s guest blogger: the reanimated corpse of Joan Crawford. Take it away, Joan!

No… more… mustaches. What are mustaches doing on my internet when I told you: no more mustaches EVER? I blog and blog ’till I’m half-dead, and I hear people saying, “She’s getting bitter.” And what do I get? Our fucking readers… who care as much about the filthy posts we give them as they care about me. ANSWER ME! I give you disturbing drygoods, and you treat them like they’re not worthy of hipsters. Mustaches, why? Why? READERS, GET OFF OF THIS BLOG. You read the most offensive blog in cyberspace and you don’t care if your posts are tainted by more mustaches! And YOUR blog looks like some two-dollar-an-ad templated layout on some two-bit hosting service like GoDaddy.com. NO MORE MUSTACHES EVER!!!

Man, what a C U Next Tuesday! Well, let’s all listen to her, shall we? The old broad just might be on to something.

Counting sheep: you’re doing it wrong.

While this Scrappy Ribbon Garland is perfectly lovely, I’d make just a few minor tweaks… Instead of ribbon I’d use tampons and instead of white lights, I’d use red. Then I’d hang it and shout, “It’s about to get menstrual up in this bitch.”

Rub-a-dub-dub

White trash in a tub

Piled in by the dirty dozen.

Some rednecks, some hookers

Stripclub talent bookers

All lounging and kissing their cousins.

If only there were a way to upcycle this used water bottle into a butt cleaner. And like magic, the Hygienna Solo portable bidet is invented. Word on the street is the patent officer who received the Hygienna Solo patent application was one day away from retirement when he died of laughter. Danny Glover is playing him in the on-screen adaptation.

I’ve been searching for a desk chair and instead of finding one, I’ve just figured out I don’t like most chairs. Then that crazy ol’ cooter Pinterest showed me this. Now I can’t wait to rush out, buy all the supplies and then let them just sit there. Because let’s face it, I never finish anythi…

Awwww, this paper bow is going to look so cute on the box of cat turds I got you…

via Poppytalk Handmade

Oh goodie. Now I can add “formal bitchface” to the list of languages I know.

via the Whoa!

Some of you dummies will wanna make this DIY lunchbox for poor people, but I’m not crafty, so I’m going to start small and DIY my own lunch. It’s the same basic setup: Get a milk jug, put it on the counter, leave it there for a couple weeks and voila! Cottage cheese. Nutritious, delicious and also tuberculosis.