You can buy these Solar Powered Animal Nightlights at Nigel’s Eco Store. That’s right, Nigel’s Eco Store. The only thing getting less laid than that store is no one. Not even that fucking Welch’s Grapes guy. And that guy hasn’t seen a vagina since the day he was born and even then his mom, like, totally blitzed out on an epidural.

Here’s the deal, forks exist. We have those now. So all you pretentious little fuckers can shove your chopsticks squarely up your ass. P.S. I hope you get worms.

Samurai Sword Chopsticks, $12.99

via Clint “Do they eat meat?” Martin

I gave this postcard to my favorite TSA employee, which is why I’m blogging from the ass end of a prison love affair right now.

Don’t let the lingering summer heat beat the alcoholism out of you. When your liver is crying out for some delicious frosty abuse, tasty Champagne Slushies are the perfect treat. And this handy step-by-step guide makes them as easy as 1, 2, 3! Uh… 4. There are four steps, so suck it.

Step 1: You don’t have a clue how to cook, so there’s plenty of room in your freezer to put a bottle of champagne for quick chilling while you and your boyfriend watch Mad Men and drink a bottle of red wine. Just find a place near the brick-solid Lean Gourmet that’s been wedged in the corner for at least two years.

Step 2: Forget you put the bottle in there so that it explodes all over the place, narrowly missing the (also 2 year old) can of lemonade concentrate from your favorite food group: Mixers.

Step 3: Using an ice cream scoop, form small champagne snowballs. If you want to follow my recipe exactly, you’ll need to drop most of this on the floor, cursing liberally because you JUST cleaned the goddamn floors, goddammit. Stupid fucking blog.

Step 4: Garnish with a bendy straw and serve your Champagne Slushies in a commemorative “Erin and Josh, April 2003″ wedding champagne flute and a 24 carat gold-rimmed brandy snifter that you may or may not have stolen from your parents’ house. Don’t invite guests; these cocktails are elegant enough to offset the tackiness of double fisting.

Voila! Pair your gourmet cocktails with a gourmet meal and dinner is served!

This is amazing and I can’t help but think you can do it your damn self. Let’s not pretend you don’t get weekly emails from JoAnn’s Fabrics. I’m sure it’s just me. Like I’m the only one who still gets her period in her pants and has to go home and change at lunch. Yeah. Right. Whatever.

via swissmiss

If you want to turn a chubby companion into an chubby ex-companion, give them this card. Or just continue to be yourself, it’ll wear on them eventually.

If I were crafty in the “knitting needles, glue sticks and glitter” sense of the word instead of just the “hatches elaborate plans to steal change from tip jars to feed her meth and Homies habits” sense of the word, I’d totally do it my damn self and make a fucking Michael Jackson doll. And I do mean a fucking Michael Jackson doll. He’d be the perfect penisy playmate for my stash of naked Kewpie dolls, who I dare say are far too sexually repressed for a batch of inanimate toddlers.

But I digress. You, dear readers, will have to fulfill my crotchy crocheted fantasies by purchasing the pattern and making this Pedo Play Pal for me. Just don’t bother making the pants.

Not a Kangaroo penis, that’s for damn sure. If you like Kangaroo penises, then you need to be fitted for cement shoes and thrown in the river, because even knowing they exist in such a repulsive state is ruining my goddamn life.

Print via Bloesom

It’s your birthday, eat all you want. Just be sure to wash it down with a lady finger. Because seriously, no one likes a fatty. Except, maybe, Tom Arnold.

Sweet Stands, $10.95

“Yo’ baby so fat, he use an Earf Mover to eat his English peas.”

Constructive Eating Utensils Set, $19.95