Add “tranquilizer” to the end of this thought and you’ve got my Saturday night.

Listen, you pretentious hippie posters, if I want to be judged I’ll go to church like a normal person. And by “church,” I obviously mean Judge Judy. She’s one tough cookie!

The most important thing about these fruit stands is fact that they appear on a site called holycool.net so please shout that the next time someone tells you something amazing or even remotely interesting. HOLYCOOLDOTNET!! It’s even more obnoxious than you’re imagining right now.

via Clint “Murderball” Martin

And women are attracted to bald spots, flab and dirty cargo jeans. If this print were the truth, 90% off our land mass would be occupied by cat shelters.

This is called Gangsta Wrap and it’s pretty much you’re go-to when your gifts ain’t nothin’ but tricks and hos.

via Chad “Zipper Bass” Ballew

Just in time-ish for Valentine’s day, you can compare your love to… what, heartburn? Hemorrhoid discomfort? The burning itch of Herpes Simplex Vagina? If it’s anything dating me, I’d say that’s accurate. Just ask my boyfriend or my gynecologist. (They’re the same guy, by the way. My Uncle Carl.)

These Candy Cuffs are perfect for your diabetic lover. What are they going to do, eat their way through?

Do you feel voluminous, punk? Well, do ya?

Sloppy drunk has never been so clean. Until now, the shower was the one place American companies had neglected to shoe-horn a cup holder. Of course, Tub Mug likely means the death of my cup-holder shaped breast implant concept. But there are plenty more ideas where that came from. Quick, someone pass me that box of fortune cookies.

Remember when it was January, but I force fed you Christmas ornaments? Yeah, I remember that, too. It’s called now.