I spent the Forth of July with the ones what spawned me and, of course, my baby brother. Once you’ve surreptitiously put your dirty socks on your mom’s face while she sleeps in the front seat during a childhood car trip together, your bond can never be broken.
So we went down to Lake Buchanan for a real family BBQ, and since my brother and his new wife registered for a deep fryer (geniuses), we decided to make jalapeno poppers. My brother is quite the chef. He’d already made some pineapple and chorizo raviolis from scratch, dough and all.
Then we moved on to coring the jalapenos. Let me start by saying that we found a bin of “no-heat” jalapenos at Central Market that we decided only a bunch of Yankee pussies would eat. We bought the regular kind. (More on this idiotic decision later.) But, just so you dolts know, the heat of jalapenos can be tempered by removing the seeds. The best way to do this is to roll the peno against a cutting boarding using your hand and applying medium pressure. This will loosen the seeds and make for easier removal. Anyways, you need to do this to make room for the filling.
Once the seeds are out, you slice around the stem-end of the jalapeno with a paring knife so that the stem cap can be removed. To quote my brother, “just put it in there and kind of turn it around.” Don’t toss the tops. Also, don’t touch your eyes (or your privates, you dirty pervs) until you’ve washed your hands like 10 times with industrial degreaser. In fact, you may want to wear gloves, you know, if you have some left over from your mid-summer B+E spree.
Now that the jalapenos are seeded, it’s time to fill the hole with delicious cheesy filling just like you do with that empty place inside where your self-confidence should be. We made our filling with cream cheese, shredded Gouda and crumbled bacon (two 8 oz packages of cream cheese, softened; a half cup shredded Gouda; four slices bacon, crumbled; chopped garlic chives).
Advice for getting the filling in: just shove it in there. I don’t have to tell you boys how that works, right?
The only flaw in this diabolical popper plan was the jalapenos themselves. I guess they’re extra-hot this year. We had a lot of teary-eyed but satisfied customers. But as my dad said, just avoid the tip and you’ll be good. Apparently that’s where all the hot action is.