Fishbowls are extremely depressing. Every gynecologist I’ve ever had, however, has functioned under the impression that they’re a calming agent. Guess what, gynie? A fishtank in the waiting room doesn’t soothe my nerves. It makes me have to pee, which is really unpleasant when you’re about to shove cold metal up my parts.

But I digress. These fish bowl bookends should be cute, but really they’re just sad, because the poor fish are trapped in a tiny, watery prison cell with a giant window to your embarrassing reading choices. Spending his life swimming around next to A Night Without Armor: Poems by Jewel is pretty much a fate worse than death.