I took my Mom on a tour of historic Dallas homes for Mother’s Day this year. When I wasn’t having an extremely violent reaction to a new medication (not Valtrex) that caused me to puke my guts out in multiple port-a-potties and then writhe around on my bathroom floor for an hour, I was pleasantly surprised by some unique design choices. My favorite? This rich motherfucker used enormous diamond bricks in place of firewood in her mansion. They told me they were quartz crystals, but I know how rich people work: by the forces of sheer ostentation. It’s also evident in the giant flattened emerald above the mantle, the petrified unicorn tear chandelier, and by the fact that this house was located in the ritziest zip code in all of outer space.