I haven’t actually spoken to my college friend Vanessa Michel in about four hundred years, but starting now I’m telling people that we’re three-chats-daily-besties so that I can ride her coattails to fame and fortune in the art world. Because clearly chasing fame and fortune in the blogging world is netting me exactly fuckall.

It’s time to attach myself to someone who has legitimate talent instead of trying to cash in on my embarrassing lack of self-awareness, accelerated typing skills, and stage four case of Adult Tourettes. Now let’s all bow our heads and pray that she’s set up vanity Google Alerts like, um, some people I know who aren’t me.