Friday, August 13, 2010

Bat-er Homes and Gardens

One of the only cool things about the stupid town where I grew up was the bats that flew around at dusk. Maybe with this bat house I can entice some of the little bastards to live in my yard and be generally awesome and adorable. Plus I can probably train them to steal packs of cigarettes from the 7-11 by freaking out the clerk and snagging Pall Malls with their feet. And then I can sell those cigarettes to underage neighborhood skanks for a mad profit. Have a problem with me ripping you off, you flat-chested little bitch? Then take it up with my fucking army of TRAINED BATS! But first let me borrow your Dr. Pepper Lip Smackers, please. Mine ran out on Tuesday.

4 Responses to “Bat-er Homes and Gardens”

  1. irondavey says:

    bitch, if that is a slam against people who carry around old tubes of dr pepper lip smackers which are so old and gross and worn out that all the writing is rubbed off the tube, and get all kinds of fucking freaked-out excited when they find the dr pepper lip smackers in a drugstore in cotati, because it had been so long since they had seen dr pepper lip smackers in a store they thought the company just goddamned stopped making it, and so for months they had just been using their chipped pinky nail to scrape the gross waxy remains of their empty tube of dr pepper lip smackers and desperately rub it on their lips for the grim reward of no moisturization and no shine but AWESOME DR PEPPER FLAVOR, well, if you are slamming those kinds of people well i just feel sorry for you, i really do.

  2. Krista says:

    I’m not slamming those people. Unless by “slamming those people” you mean having dirty, dirty sex with them due a mad, passionate visceral humping reaction brought on by the smell of Simulated Dr Pepper Flavor All Rights Reserved. Surely, SURELY that is what you mean.

  3. irondavey says:

    of course that is what i meant. is there another definition to ‘slam’…? i still feel sorry for you. but now it is more because of the scabs on your veejay.

  4. :O Simply amazing! Where can I get

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