My brother-in-law* has such in inherent loathing of the sun that he spent our Virgin Islands vacation sitting under trees at the edge of the beach wearing long pants and cross-stitching. Methinks* he needs to take a note or two from Lauren DiCioccio and start cross-stitching our vacation slides. And after that he should learn how to cross-stitch some motherfuckin’ Pina Coladas, because I came here to get drunk and punch stingrays, and I’m all outta stingrays.

*He is not a Vampire

*I am not a pirate