If I were crafty in the “knitting needles, glue sticks and glitter” sense of the word instead of just the “hatches elaborate plans to steal change from tip jars to feed her meth and Homies habits” sense of the word, I’d totally do it my damn self and make a fucking Michael Jackson doll. And I do mean a fucking Michael Jackson doll. He’d be the perfect penisy playmate for my stash of naked Kewpie dolls, who I dare say are far too sexually repressed for a batch of inanimate toddlers.

But I digress. You, dear readers, will have to fulfill my crotchy crocheted fantasies by purchasing the pattern and making this Pedo Play Pal for me. Just don’t bother making the pants.