Monday, August 26, 2013

I’m the Bossiest of Them All

It’s been far too long since I’ve demanded things of you, but I’m back!

The Boyfriend’s company, Field Day, is a nominee in the Martha Stewart American Made competition and we can’t think of any good reason for you not to vote for him. Lose your arms to a rabid bear? Make like Stephen Hawking and vote with your face. Don’t own a computer? YOU FUCKING LIAR YOU ARE READING THIS ON A COMPUTER.

The benefit to you is that by clicking this link you can ogle his stupid-hot self and also cast a kindly vote in his direction. As a thank you, I’m putting the tit in gratitude and flashing my laptop in your honor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I Suc at Nurturing

Not at my house, you won’t. For heavens’ sakes, I kill succulents! (That’s a synonym for fetuses.)

 

Here, buy this pot of false hopes.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

A Dirty Trick

Looks like I can finally upgrade my bath style from Whore’s to Cowboy. Cowboy Bath lets you scrub dem dirty parts when you’re on the go, like camping, mountain biking and probably also semi-professional backyard mud-wrasslin’. Plus it’s from fucking TEXAS where all amazing things are created. I’ll just leave exhibits A and B right here.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Working On Your Chemistry

Well, you know what they say… liquor in the front, beaker in the rear.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Just Plugging Along

This lamp puts the “um” in umbilical cord and the FBI wire tap on your landline, and then it puts the “um” on your landline, because who’s still tethered to the wall with a cord? This guy is, my friends. And that’s why it’s called the Circle of Life. (jazz hands.)

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Spot the Problem

This incredibly realistic leopard stair runner is a great way to teach your kids fun leopard facts. For example, leopards are the best climbers of all the big cats, they begin learning to climb trees at 3 to 4 months old and they can easily drape around the branches because they’re flimsy goo-filled skin sacks born completely devoid of organs or bones.

 

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Delivering a Tongue Bashing

Much like a purple nurple, this is a shocking twist: these aren’t actually obscene! Apparently the goal of this crap is to “sublimate the fonction of the object.” Yes, fonction. That’s what is says. I don’t know what the fonction it’s supposed to mean but I think we can all agree that it’s time to change our underpants.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Urine the Running

I may not be a pee pro, but I’m pretty well-known on the amateur circuit. Which is what I call the toilet in my master bathroom, in case you were wondering.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Lil’ Fuckers: I Tie With My Little Ire

The Pinterest/DIY/Mommy Blogger bullshit is killing me. You know what you can do instead of making – or, excuse me, crafting – a shoe tie practice board? You can let your stupid kid practice on SHOES. Where’s my fucking feature in ReadyMade?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Don’t Forget the Shipping Labias

Ladies, you can either spend $280 on one of these leather boxes, or become a Florida beach nudist and create your own.

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