To most thoroughly enjoy the dumpster swimming pool, one needn’t be waste, but should surely be wasted.

I took a lot of Art History classes in college because I’m a pretentious bitch. So I know that Girl with a Pearl Earring was noted as an uncoventional – and possibly commissioned – portrait by Johannes Vermeer, and that even while he was still alive, the Dutch master was considered the toast of MySpace.

When I play Draw Something, I only draw one thing: blood.

brass knuckles iPhone case via Cowcat Daily News

All right stop
Take this drink and listen
Ice trays are back with a brand new invention
Something to offer your “friends” politely
Even though you actually despise those dicks slightly
Will it keep drinks cold? Yo, I don’t care.
Just know my cocktails have murderous flair.
When it’s deadly, I rock a cube like penguin
Poison your drink and when you die I say, “Amen.”

DANCE.

Well, thank the Lord that someone finally invented self-standing cutlery. Trying in vain to balance my forks and knives on end has really been a bitch with my advanced Parkinson’s Disease and more advanced alcohol withdrawal symptoms. (I haven’t had a drink in at least 45 minutes.)

Frido Kahlo demonstrates the next big trend in ironic mustaches: growing them four inches north.

When she saw this fucking hipster bike chair, my pal Meagan accurately observed, “This looks like something old people sit on in the shower.” Well, Meagan, if it inspires hipsters to start showering, I think we can consider it a success.

And somehow in both of them you’re a filthy goddamn liar. And a eunuch. And a doucheface. Needless to say, this is pretty much my favorite story ever.

via Gen “Isn’t She Neato” Polito

Oh, I see how it is, Internet. The paper towel cubby is sooooo genius, but my corpse cubby just gets me put on another government watch list.

You should never let a dude into your vagina on the first date. That’s what second dates are for. But you can let him into your fauxgina. He may even think it’s the real thing… from what I’ve heard, they’re about the same size.