You can buy these Solar Powered Animal Nightlights at Nigel’s Eco Store. That’s right, Nigel’s Eco Store. The only thing getting less laid than that store is no one. Not even that fucking Welch’s Grapes guy. And that guy hasn’t seen a vagina since the day he was born and even then his mom, like, totally blitzed out on an epidural.

Here’s the deal, forks exist. We have those now. So all you pretentious little fuckers can shove your chopsticks squarely up your ass. P.S. I hope you get worms.

Samurai Sword Chopsticks, $12.99

via Clint “Do they eat meat?” Martin

This is amazing and I can’t help but think you can do it your damn self. Let’s not pretend you don’t get weekly emails from JoAnn’s Fabrics. I’m sure it’s just me. Like I’m the only one who still gets her period in her pants and has to go home and change at lunch. Yeah. Right. Whatever.

via swissmiss

If you want to turn a chubby companion into an chubby ex-companion, give them this card. Or just continue to be yourself, it’ll wear on them eventually.

It’s your birthday, eat all you want. Just be sure to wash it down with a lady finger. Because seriously, no one likes a fatty. Except, maybe, Tom Arnold.

Sweet Stands, $10.95

“Yo’ baby so fat, he use an Earf Mover to eat his English peas.”

Constructive Eating Utensils Set, $19.95

“Wanna come back to my place? I’ll suplex your pussy.”

Throwdown Bed, $999

I heard your OB/GYN used these to scoop yeast-y chunks out of your cooch. True or false?

Bonus: Every card comes with authentic dreariness and real-live suicidal thoughts.

“I love you just the way I am.” All except for you, fupa.

via Orangehouse Blog