This utensil has a lot going on. On the one hand it might stab you, but on the other hand it might just redneck you to death.

With just a flick of the wrist you, too, can enter the enchanting wonderland of high blood pressure, bloating and swollen ankles. Welcome to your 30s, snitches.

Magical Wand Salt & Pepper Shaker, $15

No sir! This creepy beast freaked me out as a kid and now it’s back to haunt my fucking days. Oh sorry, your Facebook page was up… What are we talking about? This adorable felted Falkor? Aww, he’s sooooo cute.

These lights remind me of you. They’re not that bright and they’re totally screwed…to the wall.

The most important thing about these fruit stands is fact that they appear on a site called holycool.net so please shout that the next time someone tells you something amazing or even remotely interesting. HOLYCOOLDOTNET!! It’s even more obnoxious than you’re imagining right now.

via Clint “Murderball” Martin

This is called Gangsta Wrap and it’s pretty much you’re go-to when your gifts ain’t nothin’ but tricks and hos.

via Chad “Zipper Bass” Ballew

These Candy Cuffs are perfect for your diabetic lover. What are they going to do, eat their way through?

Remember when it was January, but I force fed you Christmas ornaments? Yeah, I remember that, too. It’s called now.

The only problem with this Brush Buddies Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush is the fact that it will make your teeth look like a total lesbian.

I hate the Rubix cube. That is all. No wait…I hate it when people say “that is all.” So that is all.

via Liz “No Preservatives” R.