It’s Friday, grab your dragon mug and let’s toast your virginity. Oh, shit. I spilled my mead on your Magic the Gathering Cards. Just kidding. Made you cry!

I figured the rules for a Moby Dick would be the same as for any other dick – shake it off and zip up. But here it is, the entire novel typed on toilet paper for just $999 on eBay. Let’s joke about it, shall we? I guess this guy had a lot of time to Moby Dick-around. Dar she flows…ummm. Can you turn around?  I have a shy bladder. Oh wait, I’m not done. Guess it’s time I introduce the white whale to  my brown whale. No, never mind. I was done.

I hope they make a matching rubber mattress liner. The only way this bed set gets more disturbing is if the fitted sheet has an easy-access hole for your mattress’ built in flesh-light.

These ear guards may keep the crabs bed bugs at bay, but they won’t block out your neighbor’s vapid laughter as she smokes a doobie (yes, I say doobie) under your bedroom window with some schmo at 12:30 AM on Tuesday morning. I opened the window and suggested she take it inside. She said, “But I can’t smoke inside.” I said, “Well, I can’t shoot my rifle inside and yet I’ve refrained from coming out there and shooting you in the face.” Then I kicked back and waited for the po-po. I sleep like a baby in a holding cell.

You can’t put a price on the simple thrill of offending people. Oh, wait. You can. It’s $10. I thought this was a print, but it’s actually a t-shirt. You could technically use it as an apron with some strategic cutting, and that’s home-and-garden enough for me. You kids have a problem with that? Because I’ll turn this internet around! That’s what I thought.

Via Pinterest.

And women are attracted to bald spots, flab and dirty cargo jeans. If this print were the truth, 90% off our land mass would be occupied by cat shelters.

Sloppy drunk has never been so clean. Until now, the shower was the one place American companies had neglected to shoe-horn a cup holder. Of course, Tub Mug likely means the death of my cup-holder shaped breast implant concept. But there are plenty more ideas where that came from. Quick, someone pass me that box of fortune cookies.

The great feminist writer of Not Tonight Darling, I’m Knitting – which is a real book, by the way – toyed with a few other titles before committing. They included, but were not limited to: High-Five: Divorce, Y’all, Craft Your Way to Celibacy, Cats, Cats, Cats, Cats, Cats, Knitting (not to be confused with Knitting for Your Cats), and  Knitting Your Vagina Closed with Your Own Pubes. Kudos to her for telling stereotypically handsome dudes around the world where to stick it: i.e. not in our vaginas ’cause ladies hate sex.

I wouldn’t be caught dead in this coffee table dress. Bitch, please. That’s what my coffin dress is for.

This one time, Nikki, Krista and I had an idea to do a blog spoofing fashion blogs. It was to be called Sea of Snooze (in tribute to our favorite local fashion godess), and on it we would post pictures of ourselves in terrible, boring outfits, running through picturesque fields and making duckface while doing the broken down doll. We even went out and took some photos with our friend Clint. But then we got lazy and forgot about it. The end. This tangent brought to you by What Party, who’s awesome embroidery Etsy shop is currently on vacay. I know. Double disappointing.