If I were totally invisible, I’d probably murder a lot more. After that, I’d just walk around quoting lines from The Shadow radio show. Then I’d miss the hurt faces people make when they can actually see you flipping them off for no reason. And after that, there’d be no reason to go on, would there?

I’ve always preferred Old Testament God over New Testament God. Smite makes right, I always say.  But that was before I discovered New New Testament God. He’s not a vengeful God or a forgiving God. He’s a fucking bat-shit crazy God. No, no. This chef isn’t the Antichrist. Ronald McDonald still has that gig covered. Look at the lower right corner. That’s breast-milk cheese, the latest greatest thing in New New Testament God’s creation (i.e. Brooklyn). And don’t worry, according to this NYP article, it tastes pretty much like cow cheese. So, you know, the benefits are obvious. Don’t question New New God’s wisdom! Or the way he applied those almond slivers to that cheese ball. His cheese balling is beyond reproach. Amen.

Via Buzzfeed, The All-Knowing.

How many avant-garde idiots does it take to design a candle shaped like a light-bulb? 17.  10 died when someone dared them to eat Mentos and then down a liter of Diet Coke. 3 died while while texting and riding their fixies. 1 was suffocated by his own mustache. And the last 3 took just enough time out of their circle jerk to take the dump in a bucket that inspired this piece of crap. It’s an old design school trick – like reading tea leaves, but with shit.

Aluminum Bebe Doll Head, $45. The time I didn’t waste on this post, priceless (OBO).

Diamond ice? That’s fancy and punny. I usually make my ice in ziplock bags because that’s what I learned from Martha Stewart during our brief stint as roomies in a South Texas prison. Of course, she’s classed up since then so you won’t catch her rising dirty. That’s a little maximum security bakery humor. Laugh or get shanked.

I’m too lazy and busy to actually write a post, so here’s a wall lamp thing that looks like a snake. Wall snake, pants snake. Exposition. A joke about how it’s curved. Ha ha ha ha… then the part where I tell you to go fuck yourself. Well? What are you waiting for?

It’s Friday, otherwise known as the night I get hammered on white wine and throw things at men. Why? Pregnany, war and Tommy Bahama – all your fault. You might as well all be Himmler.

You know what else is hammered? This stuff. And if you think that was heavy handed, just wait until you get punched in the groin.

Dateline, My Butt. The Chilean earthquake altered the axis of the Earth and  slowed time. But, breaking news, the value of a picture has changed and brought world-wide financial markets to a standstill. The picture-to-word ratio has plummeted from 1:1000 down to 1:140 over the course of the time it took someone to create The Museum of Tweets. No, not 140 words. But 140 characters.

That’s right. Filling your 401k with the scribbled drawings of  your toddlers was a bad move, as was allowing your employer to pay you in doodled-up napkins. You should have taken the empty gum wrappers and chewed shoelace ends like I did. Now if you’ll pardon my running off, I have a money-diving appointment with Scrooge MacDuck over in the natatorium.

If my under things turned into adorable, wayward sea creatures like in this illustration by Agata Nowicka,  that would be a pretty great day. Except that I would have no underwear and I think they might clog up my shower drain. I wonder if that big red one used to be her period panties?

On the off chance you forgot your “readers,” this nifty print reads, “I dislike most things.” A fitting thing for a rhinoceros to say since the rhinoceros is the grumpiest of all the grumpy animals – grumpier than a spider being eaten by wasp larvae and even grumpier than my dog, Billie, who is a real bitch. What’s really comforting about this whole grumpy animal thing is that, at some point, evolution selected the grumpiness gene as one that would ensure survival. So, grumpiness equals evolutionary superiority. Which means, not only am I the pinnacle of God’s regular old 7-day creation. I’m at the forefront of the sciency one as well.