Any side of the bed this cuckoo clock wakes you up on is the wrong side. Of course, I don’t need any inspiration to wake up as a haunted, homicidal schizophrenic. My morning murder rage is entrenched and dependable as your bed-wetting. But, I guess The Shining Cuckoo could be a step up from the Jenna Jameson alarm clock I’ve been using – decorating-wise. Just depends on what kind of Stabbin’ Cabin I feel like living in that day.

Here’s a great way to up-cycle your way into heaven, a cork tray that turns a used wine bottle into a centerpiece or serving stand. Can’t find the cork, you say? Here’s a hint, Pervy McPervdorf: you keep it up your ass.

Here’s a dish towel that says “Do the Dishes” with the letters made out of dishes. I think this is fantastic and would like to order the following versions:

A whore towel (for wiping off your whores, duh) that says “Big Pimpin” with the letters made out of pimps.

A poo towel that says “Just Poo It” with letters made out of poos.

A lace towel laced with acid.

A face towel that’s made out of real face.

If you ever take three Ambien and start playing a tune on your Pan flute you may find yourself sailing off in a wooden shoe over a beautiful sea of dew. I heard about it once from some drunk guys I caught having a threesome in the bathroom of a Burger King. I think their names were Wynken, Lincoln and Todd? Anyways, they claimed the stars would be herring fish, but when I got there, the stars were just anthropomorphized farts. If you’ve ever wondered to where your fart mysteriously disappears when you blast one on a plane, now you know.

Fantastic art I made a fart joke about by The Black Spot Books.

I knew that stable hand who kept twirling his handlebar mustache and melting my clocks was suspicious. That’s the last time I let Dali groom my pony. Ha ha. Ha? Does anyone remember how awesome it was to read Black Beauty?

If I were totally invisible, I’d probably murder a lot more. After that, I’d just walk around quoting lines from The Shadow radio show. Then I’d miss the hurt faces people make when they can actually see you flipping them off for no reason. And after that, there’d be no reason to go on, would there?

I’ve always preferred Old Testament God over New Testament God. Smite makes right, I always say.  But that was before I discovered New New Testament God. He’s not a vengeful God or a forgiving God. He’s a fucking bat-shit crazy God. No, no. This chef isn’t the Antichrist. Ronald McDonald still has that gig covered. Look at the lower right corner. That’s breast-milk cheese, the latest greatest thing in New New Testament God’s creation (i.e. Brooklyn). And don’t worry, according to this NYP article, it tastes pretty much like cow cheese. So, you know, the benefits are obvious. Don’t question New New God’s wisdom! Or the way he applied those almond slivers to that cheese ball. His cheese balling is beyond reproach. Amen.

Via Buzzfeed, The All-Knowing.

How many avant-garde idiots does it take to design a candle shaped like a light-bulb? 17.  10 died when someone dared them to eat Mentos and then down a liter of Diet Coke. 3 died while while texting and riding their fixies. 1 was suffocated by his own mustache. And the last 3 took just enough time out of their circle jerk to take the dump in a bucket that inspired this piece of crap. It’s an old design school trick – like reading tea leaves, but with shit.

Aluminum Bebe Doll Head, $45. The time I didn’t waste on this post, priceless (OBO).

Diamond ice? That’s fancy and punny. I usually make my ice in ziplock bags because that’s what I learned from Martha Stewart during our brief stint as roomies in a South Texas prison. Of course, she’s classed up since then so you won’t catch her rising dirty. That’s a little maximum security bakery humor. Laugh or get shanked.