I never learned how to play dominoes. Honestly, who had the time? Even as a child I had a lot of revenges to plot. I’m just saying, walk off with my red felt tip pen once and it’s a mistake you won’t make again.

I know these ice cream cone balloons have been around for-fucking-ever, but so have I, and that’s why my Alzheimer’s is starting to kick in. So moving on, have you seen these ice cream cone balloons? I hear they were invented tomorrow.

Looks like somebody finally dethroned John Madden for Biggest Head in the Goddamned World.

My favorite thing that could possibly happen with these? Two dicks show up to the same party in the same hat. Can you even imagine?!? And yes, these are actually little chocolate hats for your little…um…penis.

via Connor “App for That” Hill

Get this cupcake blanket/fleece poncho/mu’umu’u to hide your muffin top. But apparently not your shame.

Edible google-y eyes?!? Fuck you, Jonas Salk and your precious Polio vaccine… This is the greatest invention of all time.

Plywerk takes your photos and mounts them on sustainably harvested wood. Hmmm…your face mounted on wood? Sounds like just another Saturday night. And by “your face” I mean this porcupine. He or she is a total slut.

Yep, you need buy this print. And while we’re on the subject of your needs, a mustache wax wouldn’t kill you either.

via Nancy the Desk Topper Drawer

Weird. In this print it takes a a girl, a dog and a wagon to get the same reaction I  usually get from a rusty Venus Embrace.

These towel clips are genius unless you have one of those shitty plastic loungers. But if you do, you’re probably swimming in a septic tank so it’s a lost cause anyway.

Shark, Dolphin and Crab Leg, $16.25