If you want to turn a chubby companion into an chubby ex-companion, give them this card. Or just continue to be yourself, it’ll wear on them eventually.

Not a Kangaroo penis, that’s for damn sure. If you like Kangaroo penises, then you need to be fitted for cement shoes and thrown in the river, because even knowing they exist in such a repulsive state is ruining my goddamn life.

Print via Bloesom

Names are funny things. For example, having a name like Warren or Larry or Ned can remove any and all sex appeal from even the foxiest dude. But having a name like Colossal Gash can make me want to date-rape an inanimate object.

Dudes, this bear rug is only $1800, which is quite a steal considering how rare Pink Tapestry Bears are in the wild. Fun fact: 96% of all Pink Tapestry Bears are gay. The other 4% just pretended to be bisexual in college.

There’s nothing more appetizing than a ghost baboon staring into your soul with haunted dead eyes from underneath a layer of deviled eggs, is there? No, I’m really asking because every time I see one my stomach starts growling. Now please excuse me while I go snap into a Slim Jim.

“I love you just the way I am.” All except for you, fupa.

via Orangehouse Blog

Someone call Prince, this guy needs some Pussy Contro-o-o-l. Meet Craig of Caboodle Ranch. He runs a stray cat sanctuary in Florida. There’s a cat named Fuzzy Nuts, this clipart and an entire town of cathouses. If I were you, I’d head on over and donate. It might be the only tail you get all year.

If you use this pigeon bottle opener at your next party expect the bassist from Kings of Leon to have three drinks and then puss out like a little bitch. “I’m sorry party, but I had to bail. Also, sorry about all those songs we wrote except that one Sarah likes. That one’s pretty cool.”

I can only imagine this is the gym where that slag who threw the cat in the garbage can is bulking up to defend herself from hoards of innocent, adorable animals. God knows when an innocent cutie wittle bunny might need to be tossed in a wood chipper or a few fluffy wuffy foxies nonchalantly cast into a coal furnace. It’s hard work being a total cunt. And if you think the workout equipment is creepy, you should definitely avoid the macrobiotic juice bar. An entire pony carcass counts as “macro,” right?

This handmade wooly mammoth puzzle is only $42.75. Which is cheaper than traveling back in time and disassembling an actual wooly mammoth, but not as cheap dressing up a date and jigsawing him or her. And by date, I mean pocket vagina.