I figured the rules for a Moby Dick would be the same as for any other dick – shake it off and zip up. But here it is, the entire novel typed on toilet paper for just $999 on eBay. Let’s joke about it, shall we? I guess this guy had a lot of time to Moby Dick-around. Dar she flows…ummm. Can you turn around?  I have a shy bladder. Oh wait, I’m not done. Guess it’s time I introduce the white whale to  my brown whale. No, never mind. I was done.

No sir! This creepy beast freaked me out as a kid and now it’s back to haunt my fucking days. Oh sorry, your Facebook page was up… What are we talking about? This adorable felted Falkor? Aww, he’s sooooo cute.

These ear guards may keep the crabs bed bugs at bay, but they won’t block out your neighbor’s vapid laughter as she smokes a doobie (yes, I say doobie) under your bedroom window with some schmo at 12:30 AM on Tuesday morning. I opened the window and suggested she take it inside. She said, “But I can’t smoke inside.” I said, “Well, I can’t shoot my rifle inside and yet I’ve refrained from coming out there and shooting you in the face.” Then I kicked back and waited for the po-po. I sleep like a baby in a holding cell.

You can’t put a price on the simple thrill of offending people. Oh, wait. You can. It’s $10. I thought this was a print, but it’s actually a t-shirt. You could technically use it as an apron with some strategic cutting, and that’s home-and-garden enough for me. You kids have a problem with that? Because I’ll turn this internet around! That’s what I thought.

Via Pinterest.

Add “tranquilizer” to the end of this thought and you’ve got my Saturday night.

I didn’t think it possible, but there is something out there stupider than a vague, sweeping internet censorship bill written by a bunch of computer-illiterate old blowhards who, as we speak, are probably on the phone with one of their grandkids trying to figure out how to “make the sex tweets” at their intern. Wondering if this dog rack dog humiliation device is even real? Me, too. But we’ll have to wait until tomorrow because the Fairdale site is closed to protest SOPA.

The Forever Alone is supposed to be the perfect mattress for us single types. But, where will your 20 cats sleep? Zing! Now get out of here so I can change into my Cathy night shirt. I have a freezer of ice cream to eat and a stack of bikinis I want to try on under florescent lighting, then a long night of crying myself to sleep. Ack!!

It’s hard to open a business in a shaky economy. It’s hard to open a bank account when you have bad credit. You know what it’s not hard to open? A GODDAMN BANANA.

“Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ing-mwrahr-ftt-ftt.” That’s the sound of a million cat lady boners rocket-blasting cats right out of laps. Cat-on-carpet static won’t be the only electricity in the air – not with the 6 Packs 9 Lives 2012 Calendar in the house. Your Tender Vittles may start to tingle, but you’re going to want a totally different kind of post to scratch this itch, ladies. Trust me.

Via my friend Toby, who is a lady, but not the cat kind.

I’m not a huge Gaga fan. I mean, did I once walk to Movie Trading Company to buy a Gaga CD because I couldn’t remember my iTunes password and I needed the CD, like, NOW? Yeah, of course. So does that make me a fan? Whatever. I don’t really like labels. But I do kind of like this Unicorn Stocking that crazy bitch designed for Barneys. In fact, I kind of like the entire Gaga Workshop…but yeah, still not a fan.