Thursday, July 5, 2012

Clip Tip

These towel clips are genius unless you have one of those shitty plastic loungers. But if you do, you’re probably swimming in a septic tank so it’s a lost cause anyway.

Shark, Dolphin and Crab Leg, $16.25

Monday, July 2, 2012

Bitches And Pussies: You Pugly

I’ve seen a lot of dog hats in my day (most of them on your girlfriend), but this is by far the cutest. A hand-knit Carmen Miranda hat for your pug…or human baby…or butt. They’re all pretty much the same thing, right?

 

On Top of Old Smokey (the Bear)

This Japanese robot pillow pokes snorers in the face to get them to shift to their sides. Three questions. Why is it shaped like a polar bear? Does it come in a version for female snorers where the polar bear wakes you up by poking your face with his boner instead of his hand? Because that’s what we’re used to. And who programmed it to call your mom on speaker phone every time you masturbate? Oh, yeah. That last one was me.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Melo-die

This Chick-A-Dee Smoke Detector will apparently chirp merrily if there’s a fire present. Which is fantastic because I so don’t want to burn to death to an annoying beep.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Cock-A-Doodle

Turns out for years we’ve been misspelling Donald Dick.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Cat, Fancy

Pumas shoot crepe paper garlands out of their eyes because they’re not just carnivores… they’re also carnivals.

Dinner Party Animals

Napkin Panther isn’t made with bits of real panther, but it does guarantee your dinner party will end in a threeway.*

*All claims in this post are flagrant lies.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Bankable

This is called a Memory Bank and it’s made to store things of sentimental value, not monetary value. Like love notes, ticket stubs and all those condom wrappers from your first ever gang bang. All together now, “Awwww…”

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Wishful Thinking

Have we talked about this Golden Rhino before? It’s kind of like the Golden Goose, but those aren’t eggs he lays. They’re dumps. That’s right, for $35 this thing will crap gold all over your Corian. Of course I’m a big fat liar and it totally won’t, but please know that in my mind — he just did.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

On the Other Side of Offense

I’m not gonna lie, folks. I have absolutely zero clue what’s going on with this doormat. I was just innocently shopping for a doormat on Amazon.com at 1 AM while drunk and found this thing. By the way, it somehow sold out between then and now. Go figure. Anyways, what’s the gag? Is this a dick joke? Why is the grass greener under something where it should be getting no sun and therefor dying? Is the dog also a UV lamp? If this is about your penis, is your penis really tiny or see through? Is your misshapen anatomy really something to be shared with the innocent UPS guy who has to deliver your bucket of hemorrhoid salve every month? Hasn’t he suffered enough?

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