Tastes like a small fry! …and baby murder. Delicious, hopefully-legal-in-the-near-future-fingers-crossed baby murder.

I don’t pick up pennies because they’re dirty and not real money. My dad is always griping about that fact. He’s like, “Sarah, it’s free money. Why would you leave it here?” I respond with jokes about old people and while he’s bending over to pick it up, I steal his wallet and run away into the night cackling like a harpy. But now that I see this horse bust from artist Rachel Denny I realize that with enough pennies I could do this my damn self. So, I guess I’m changing my mind. Not about picking up pennies, but about the relative value of stealing my dad’s change jar.

Kebo is a one-handed bottle opener for people too lazy to screw-in a wall mount bottle opener and too classy to pop the cap with the edge of their coffee table. It’s also great for pirates who don’t want to scratch up their dress hooks and thirsty snakes. And you thought I was going to make a masturbation joke. Well, I was, but then Focus on the Family threatened to pull their ads off the blog and that’s where we get our crack money.

I guess we were arrogant to believe we were the only species who could appreciate Star Wars. Nerdy birds will make an R2-Detour to your yard to nest in this creation from NirdHaus. They will also take a shit on your car that looks mysteriously like the X-Files logo and chirp to the tune of the Deep Space 9 theme song before your cat goes out to give them all swirlies in the bird bath.

Hey, y’all. I’m not writing this at night, but I could be with my new Party Rats laser finger rats (see manufacturers note). Nothing says party like plague-ridden vermin. And no party is complete without a little midnight blogging. Call Andrew W.K. and tell him to start working on a new album. Then bang your face against a wall because the party force is so strong in you. And when you recover from the concussion buy yourself a set of these rats. They make masturbating mega festive.

Okay, loyal readers, do I need to set you up with the “Can you hear me meow” jokes, or can you handle them all by yourself? (rimshot!)

Also, if you’re the kind of person who buys a cat case, I have a feeling you spend a lot of time at iHome. (buh duh bum ting!)

Please take these terrible jokes as proof that this has been the week from hell.

“It’s meow or never,” said the lady about to order her first RealDoll.

While we can all agree this is pretty fucking awesome, I think we can also agree they’re being a little generous with that black bar.

The only downside of this Bigfoot Garden Yeti is the fact that there totally isn’t one. Come on you asswipes, this thing rules.

Having commitment issues? Get this little peeper instead. You cannot go wrong with Yeti Yard Art.

Why would I buy a rad-ass chicken fort for my chickens? Somebody should enjoy the magical childhood of which I’m planning to deprive my kids.

Via Pinterest