Better to fog your spectacles than flog your testicles, amiright?

Eh, fuck you. It’s Friday and I have a brand new house to decorate. Catch you drips on the flip!

Listen, you pretentious hippie posters, if I want to be judged I’ll go to church like a normal person. And by “church,” I obviously mean Judge Judy. She’s one tough cookie!

The most important thing about these fruit stands is fact that they appear on a site called holycool.net so please shout that the next time someone tells you something amazing or even remotely interesting. HOLYCOOLDOTNET!! It’s even more obnoxious than you’re imagining right now.

via Clint “Murderball” Martin

And women are attracted to bald spots, flab and dirty cargo jeans. If this print were the truth, 90% off our land mass would be occupied by cat shelters.

One night in the summer of 2006, I spent many hours drinking on a beach in Cannes, France with the guy who did the laughs for both Beavis and Butthead. The experience was incredibly odd, as he was totally normal in every way, but then I’d say something unbelievably witty – naturally – and a hybrid Beavis/Butthead laugh would come out. Also that night, I was asked on a date by a very sweaty dancing man with Alopecia, shortly before making out with a German guy with blonde dreadlocks.

And these, my friends, are some of the many reasons you should get into advertising: free 10-day trips to French Riviera, the meeting of D-minus-list celebrities, dance parties that resemble an episode of True Life, horrible champagne-goggle decision making of the Aryan-nation-cum-Reggaeton variety, and the audacity to start a blog solely for the sake of talking about these things. Also, these dudes are terrifying, no?

via that Bunghole, Alan McCoy

I’ll have you know that at my house, making tacos IS making war. Because I like to kill the cows myself, and also because I like to give them weapons and encourage them to fight back. You haven’t seen combat until you’ve seen a Red Angus with a thirst for blood, recently grave-snatched and freshly-stitched-on opposable human thumbs and a rusty Puckle Gun. Unless you’ve seen Apocalypse Now, in which case let’s just move on, shall we?

In the game of “I could so do that,” Mark Rothko is the ultimate winner. Now you really can ‘do it’ by making his cookies and eating them. Oh yeah, I want to eat Mark Rothko’s cookies. It shouldn’t sound dirty, but it does. Now let’s just hope they’re moist. Ewww. Sick.

via CMYBacon

I love this Push to Quit wood panel. Not only is it really cool, it also gives me good practice for the next time I find you at the top of a staircase.

Except for your life, which is a sequence of moments all called suck. We’re trying to help you out by providing this educational weblog to bust the curve of your otherwise pathetic life, but even e-proximity to our general ass-kickery isn’t doing much to help you. And, let’s be frank, neither is the fact that you’re wearing a merkin outside your pants.

The guy who made these radically nerdy Mario and Luigi birdhouses was an actor in a commercial I shot for my real job. A NAKED actor. Yes, that’s right. I’ve seen the dude’s Bowsers and Donkey Kong. And the best part? Advertising is nothing like college, so I got to see it all without showing him Princess Peach.