This is amazing and I can’t help but think you can do it your damn self. Let’s not pretend you don’t get weekly emails from JoAnn’s Fabrics. I’m sure it’s just me. Like I’m the only one who still gets her period in her pants and has to go home and change at lunch. Yeah. Right. Whatever.

via swissmiss

Not a Kangaroo penis, that’s for damn sure. If you like Kangaroo penises, then you need to be fitted for cement shoes and thrown in the river, because even knowing they exist in such a repulsive state is ruining my goddamn life.

Print via Bloesom

Names are funny things. For example, having a name like Warren or Larry or Ned can remove any and all sex appeal from even the foxiest dude. But having a name like Colossal Gash can make me want to date-rape an inanimate object.

“I love you just the way I am.” All except for you, fupa.

via Orangehouse Blog

My brother-in-law* has such in inherent loathing of the sun that he spent our Virgin Islands vacation sitting under trees at the edge of the beach wearing long pants and cross-stitching. Methinks* he needs to take a note or two from Lauren DiCioccio and start cross-stitching our vacation slides. And after that he should learn how to cross-stitch some motherfuckin’ Pina Coladas, because I came here to get drunk and punch stingrays, and I’m all outta stingrays.

*He is not a Vampire

*I am not a pirate

Waking up to bread is SO much better than waking up to a severe infestation of bedbugs. (Which is what I call my crabs so people don’t think I’m dirty.)

Desktop Wallpaper via Yonder Ponder

If someone’s going to eat my brains, it might as well be these gals. Now if I someone’s going to eat my other parts, I’d skew more Charlie Sheen. Just kidding, I don’t want it beat up. Or coked up.

via Rareica

I know it sounds crazy, but somehow all of these arrows are pointing at my vagina. On second thought that makes sense because this print is screened onto wood. It’s like one of those creepy paintings where the eyes follow you around the room. Except totally sexy.

You can doodle on this picture frame to make it match all your photos. And if I know you, there’s going to be a whole lot of wiener and butt doodlin’ goin’ on.

The best thing about writing this blog is the rabbit hole of Googling that you fall into on a daily basis. Finding this print led me to think about watersports. Thinking about watersports led me to Googling fetishes. Googling fetishes led me to the discovery of the word Urolagnia. And Googling Uroglania led me to my new favorite image of all time. And for that, unholy-pairing-of-the-internet-and-a-filthy-trucker-mind, I salute you.