If I were totally invisible, I’d probably murder a lot more. After that, I’d just walk around quoting lines from The Shadow radio show. Then I’d miss the hurt faces people make when they can actually see you flipping them off for no reason. And after that, there’d be no reason to go on, would there?

This post is like the Doublemint Twins of BHG. Except you don’t want to tittyfuck it. (Or do you?!?) Up for grabs we have two items illustrated by Oliver Jeffers…

1. A hand-drawn map of the world and some pushpins. (Yay. Holes.)

2. A book called, “The Incredible Book Eating Boy.” (Let’s crap words!!)

via swissmiss

Dateline, My Butt. The Chilean earthquake altered the axis of the Earth and  slowed time. But, breaking news, the value of a picture has changed and brought world-wide financial markets to a standstill. The picture-to-word ratio has plummeted from 1:1000 down to 1:140 over the course of the time it took someone to create The Museum of Tweets. No, not 140 words. But 140 characters.

That’s right. Filling your 401k with the scribbled drawings of  your toddlers was a bad move, as was allowing your employer to pay you in doodled-up napkins. You should have taken the empty gum wrappers and chewed shoelace ends like I did. Now if you’ll pardon my running off, I have a money-diving appointment with Scrooge MacDuck over in the natatorium.

If my under things turned into adorable, wayward sea creatures like in this illustration by Agata Nowicka,  that would be a pretty great day. Except that I would have no underwear and I think they might clog up my shower drain. I wonder if that big red one used to be her period panties?

On the off chance you forgot your “readers,” this nifty print reads, “I dislike most things.” A fitting thing for a rhinoceros to say since the rhinoceros is the grumpiest of all the grumpy animals – grumpier than a spider being eaten by wasp larvae and even grumpier than my dog, Billie, who is a real bitch. What’s really comforting about this whole grumpy animal thing is that, at some point, evolution selected the grumpiness gene as one that would ensure survival. So, grumpiness equals evolutionary superiority. Which means, not only am I the pinnacle of God’s regular old 7-day creation. I’m at the forefront of the sciency one as well.

Guess what I don’t need? Another pink sphincter on my wall. But I could use some body paint remover. Seriously. My taint looks like cotton candy.

One… Two… Three… Four… Four sparkles I punched off the face of Edward Cullen. Ha ha ha ha ha. One… Two… Three… Three turds I pooped into the mouth of Edward Cullen. Eat my poop you glitter-wearing poser. Ha ha ha ha ha. By the way, even Big Bird lost his virginity before you did. Ha ha ha ha ha.

When thinking of screenprinting a Franklin Mint plate, most people would probably have gone with “I love cheesecake,” or “I love cherry pie.” But Carrie Reichardt loves Satan, which is why I love Carrie Reichardt. You can tell because I’m standing outside her bedroom window right now, lighting incense and singing hymns to myself in tongues while I take pictures of her sleeping.

via Stephanie “Fist Pump” Fisher

Did any of you knuckleheads read Wait Till Helen Comes when you were little? Remember how fucking terrifying that book was for kids? Ghosts? Drowning? Spooky churches? Anyway, I bring it up because this print is almost exactly how I pictured horrifying, murdery ghost Helen in that book, and it pretty much ruined me for life. So, see, you can’t blame my evil on my upbringing. You can only blame it on my advanced reading skills and desire for knowledge.

Does this poster rule –> Yes.

Do you suck? –> A little bit. –> I’m not going to lie.