I don’t pick up pennies because they’re dirty and not real money. My dad is always griping about that fact. He’s like, “Sarah, it’s free money. Why would you leave it here?” I respond with jokes about old people and while he’s bending over to pick it up, I steal his wallet and run away into the night cackling like a harpy. But now that I see this horse bust from artist Rachel Denny I realize that with enough pennies I could do this my damn self. So, I guess I’m changing my mind. Not about picking up pennies, but about the relative value of stealing my dad’s change jar.

If you don’t actually have shit for brains, you’ll save yourself $598 and make this Bubble Wrap Vase your damn self. Just use real bubble wrap, you dummy, or if you want to take up glass blowing, go right ahead. I hear you’re pretty good at blowing stuff…

Call me a feminist, but I think men should be under as much soul-crushing social pressure to stay thin and beautiful as women are. In the interest of this somewhat self-serving goal, I am posting fatty fat fat David, a giant fat statue of the clit-shriveling way you look when I wear my X-ray specs. So stop pushing your 28″ pants down further under your bellies and  go to the gym already. And get me a cheeseburger on your way home, Fatty.

“It’s meow or never,” said the lady about to order her first RealDoll.

While we can all agree this is pretty fucking awesome, I think we can also agree they’re being a little generous with that black bar.

I never knew my gynecologist had an Etsy shop.

‘gina jokes

This cum receptacle is a work of art. Says so right on the package. That explains why they found that lost da Vinci wadded up and stuck together at the bottom of his studio waste bin. And also why it was painted on a sock.

This beautiful photograph is a Valentine from me to each and every one of you. It’s as if, in one stunning image, the photographer captured and romanticized the very essence of our blog: losers, vaginas, blow jobs and three-hole alien shockers. Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. I hope you all get AIDS.

Oh thank God, another iPhone cover.

JK JK, I think this one is really cool and it was sent to me by one of my favorite people ever, The Formidable Mrs. Dean.

I know these Apple Dracula Lips look all cute and cuddly, but don’t be fooled, they’re a real bunch of taint biters.