For $425 you can take a pill that will make your doodoo twinkle so it looks like The Real Housewives will have a new spin-off.

via Incredible Things

I may not be a pee pro, but I’m pretty well-known on the amateur circuit. Which is what I call the toilet in my master bathroom, in case you were wondering.

Disco isn’t dead. It’s just been hiding in the bathroom for the last 40 years after being swatted with a newspaper for doing it’s business on the family room rug. Wait. Did you just hear something? Disco, if you’re in the trash again … so help me God I will turn the vacuum loose on you!

Since when does your mouth need a bidet?

“Create music at the urinal with Guitar Pee.” Pardon me, invention, but I believe men have been doing this for years. They’re called farts.

The Off-Road Commode isn’t just cleaner than every road stop toilet you’ve ever hovered over, it’s a great way to spice up your Chinese Firedrill. You won’t need toilet paper. Just air dry at 30 mph. And, bonus, the toilet seat is camouflaged so the deer and/or enemy soldiers will think you can float while you poop and they’ll just give up. That shit is terrifying – pun intended.

True fact: dogs really don’t like you watching them make with the bathroom stuff,wrinkling up your nose like you poop cotton candy and pee French 77s. Have you ever tried to maintain unwavering eye contact with a dog while he/she takes a crap? You should try it. I heard they’re making huge advancements in face-transplant technology these days.

Via Dan the man who’s always on the phone when I go to Red Mango.

If only there were a way to upcycle this used water bottle into a butt cleaner. And like magic, the Hygienna Solo portable bidet is invented. Word on the street is the patent officer who received the Hygienna Solo patent application was one day away from retirement when he died of laughter. Danny Glover is playing him in the on-screen adaptation.

“Summer’s just around the corner. If only there were a way to guarantee that everyone pees in my pool,” I thought in desperation. And just like that my prayers were answered with the Port-O-Pong Beer Pong Raft – for use in pools, lakes, rivers, and whatever other body of water you want to turn into a port-o-potty. There is a God, and His name is Amazon.com.

Well, I’ll be damned. Look how happy we are to be on the League of Funny Bitches Podcast with the lovely and fabulous Noa (that’s her pokin’ her cutie mug in) and Alicia (who’s face, fist and foot will make appearances) of your new favorite blog, Oh Noa. Watch us squirm! Hear us swear! Remember that horizontal stripes and the camera each add ten pounds!

Here’s that link again in case you’re as stupid as you look: League of Funny Bitches Podcast

And here’s the Field Day link, since I said the wrong effing url like a tool. FIELD DAY!!!

And here’s the Fart Party link, because hello, it’s a Fart Party.