How many avant-garde idiots does it take to design a candle shaped like a light-bulb? 17.  10 died when someone dared them to eat Mentos and then down a liter of Diet Coke. 3 died while while texting and riding their fixies. 1 was suffocated by his own mustache. And the last 3 took just enough time out of their circle jerk to take the dump in a bucket that inspired this piece of crap. It’s an old design school trick – like reading tea leaves, but with shit.

True: Cats love pita pockets.

False: They love you.

Untimely, but true: Rats make poops in your Kix.

They should move that litterbox to the bottom of the slide. That way when Smoofy Flufferpants needs to take a kitty tinkle downstairs, he can just slide his furry little hiney right into his widdle baffroom. Also, I’m gonna give birth at the top of the slide and let the baby land in the litterbox.

If we were in England I’d tell you to be the belle of the bloody ball. But since we’re not I’ll just point out that this chandelier doesn’t come with any applicators. Which means you can stick your hand way up in it. And sure, it might feel a little funny at first, but remember, it’s your chandelier. Finger it.

via The World’s Best Ever

Guess what I don’t need? Another pink sphincter on my wall. But I could use some body paint remover. Seriously. My taint looks like cotton candy.

I suppose I could have as easily titled this post “Boos and Don’ts,” but that wouldn’t allow me to point out that on the Frenchy-French site where I found these fantômes, they are in a product category labeled “Doudous.” I can only assume that doudous are exotic, sophisticated  albino poos and not something un-bathroom related that I’m too lazy to look up on google.

Can I assume that this Super Mario cookie is made in various shades of brown because dude’s a plumber? Whatever, when you do it your damn self, I recommend using brighter colors so you don’t have to feel like you’re eating shit. Oh, and don’t feed it to the Princess. Nobody wants to save a fat chick.

via Technabob

I’d say get one of these Hammock tables for your cat to hang out in, but you’d be better off flushing money down the toilet. Your cat is going put his butt on your computer, your magazine, your book, your open, snoring mouth or the petit fours you just iced regardless of what you buy. That’s because fucking shit up is pretty much your cat’s favorite kind of fucking. Incidentally, if you’ve got old plumbing, don’t flush hundreds. Stick with the singles.  Krista and I found out the hard way that’s all those pipes can handle. Inci-incidentally, incidentally is my word of the week. You should all scream real loud.

In true Etsy fashion, the title for this soap is very succinct: Tits and Ass Soap – Boob and Butt – Birthday Gag Gift for Men – Mature. I’d like to point out two things.

1. No man will appreciate any version of tits and ass that gets smaller the more you rub it.

2. There’s only one type of gag gift men really want, and it has a lot to do with gagging, but nothing to do with soap.

I’ve mentioned before that Sarah and I live in a duplex of evil, but I probably haven’t mentioned that it doubles as a museum. At least, that’s what I’m assuming now that I’ve learned that the Cat Butt Museum exists. Because if there’s one thing that’s consistent in the upper duplex, it’s a glorious view of one of my cat’s asses shoved in my face every morning. Is it pretty gross? Yes. Am I going to get rid of them? No. If I get rid of Ruby A-Go-Go and Mae Crashenburn, how can I train my Murderous Army of Feline Evil? With reanimated kitten corpses? You’d think so, but I tried that and it all they wanted to do was cuddle.

here, kitty, kitty, kitty

via chickenFluff