I figured the rules for a Moby Dick would be the same as for any other dick – shake it off and zip up. But here it is, the entire novel typed on toilet paper for just $999 on eBay. Let’s joke about it, shall we? I guess this guy had a lot of time to Moby Dick-around. Dar she flows…ummm. Can you turn around? I have a shy bladder. Oh wait, I’m not done. Guess it’s time I introduce the white whale to my brown whale. No, never mind. I was done.
Sloppy drunk has never been so clean. Until now, the shower was the one place American companies had neglected to shoe-horn a cup holder. Of course, Tub Mug likely means the death of my cup-holder shaped breast implant concept. But there are plenty more ideas where that came from. Quick, someone pass me that box of fortune cookies.
The only problem with this Brush Buddies Justin Bieber Singing Toothbrush is the fact that it will make your teeth look like a total lesbian.
Hey, kids, this super-duper yummy and oh-so-nutritious Spaghetti O’s Pizza is brought to you by a severe Number 2 and the letters CP and S!
This Santa doesn’t head down the chimney. He’s more of a back-door guy. Seriously, St. Nick. Timmy said he wanted Hot Wheels Wall Tracks, not a Blumpy.
This print is going right above my toilet because I always find Dolly’s lyrics such an inspiration. Islands in the stream, that is what poo are – unless you feel the need to flush between courses. And sometimes you need to Jolene, Jolene, Jo-lean into it to pinch off those difficult turds. If there’s a Country hell I’ll be there working 9 to 5 on the brimstone factory line with Kenny Rogers. He knows what he did.
The key to deucing at the office is to have a strategy. If your office has only multi-stalled bathrooms, you have to wait for the off hours – i.e. between 10 AM and 12 PM, when people’s coffee has percolated through but before the post-lunch tea-rush. If your office happens to have public restrooms as well as a few private, one-toilet bathrooms, you may think the single is the no-brainer. But what if you poop it up, then walk out just as your boss is waiting to walk in? He/she will know it was you. At least with the multi-stall there’s plausible deniability. Or, you could just buy this toilet-shaped scented tea candle holder, which is only nominally relevant to this post. Your call, stank ass.
It’s pretty expensive to commission Stool No. 1. Luckily you can make Stool No. 2 for the price of a Burrito Supreme.
I can’t think of an occasion for which the pop-up toilet monster is not an ideal gift. Graduations, weddings, campaign victory parties – I’m installing one at a wake as we speak.
