This metal band poster is awesome because the artist screenprinted it with human blood. It’s such a hit that he’s been commissioned to screenprint Justin Beiber’s tour posters using virgin tears and pubescent vaginal discharge that’s perfectly normal, sweetie, and nothing to be concerned about.

This morning I was howling in desperation that I couldn’t afford to buy furry beanbag chairs for my guest room when I realized that furniture is for chumps. I could be living inside of a giant spider’s web made from packing tape practically for free, lounging sans sofa, sucking the life blood from passersby and occasionally weaving life-affirming messages for small farm animals before faking my own death to tear-soaked applause. Plus, if God didn’t want me to live in a giant web, why do I shit silk and have eight eyes? Think about it.

Nice try, but the week-old pile of crusty, stained period panties you shoved in the corner next your laundry hamper isn’t really the “corner of drawers” that Happy Mundane was excited about.

Teach your kids how to keep it in the cooch with this bedazzled tampon finger puppet. You can also use it to help wean virgins off pads…or whoever the fuck is still wearing those bulky disasters. Seriously. How is StayFree in business?!

This chair is supposed to be a Celtic knot, but they must mean a Celtic stomach knot. Because the model’s “Pepto, stat” pose doesn’t dispel the obvious: it looks like giant prolapsed intestines.

(I double dog dare you to do a Google image search for “prolapsed.” Hell, just click this link. While you do that, I’ll  be over here dry-heaving and gouging out my own eyeballs.)

via Catrina Murray, who inadvertently ruined my life.

Well, shit. The man shower seemed like a perfectly sexy good idea. But then you wake up one Monday morning hungover as hell to find you’ve ruined another perfectly good garbage bag toga while rinse-repeating to ABBA in your disco bathroom.

And, FYI, whatever that is he’s snowballing onto you there is probably getting you more dirty than it is clean.

Urban Outfitters bills this dog pencil sharpener as “the only dog butt you should ever stick a pencil into.” Great. Now you tell me.

This napkin was designed to bring out your inner artist’s inner slob, which I applaud. But it’s $40, which I decry. Loudly and drunkenly! Let’s just say a trip to Lobster Fest and an $11 frame from Walmart later, I know a girl who will projectile vomit on you for free. And, no, it’s not me. I charge $10.

When it comes to alarm clocks, I really just want them to wake me up.

I do not need them to turn setting the time and alarm into a task that requires a degree in physics.

Nor do I need them to posses the ability to deliver a surreptitious, possibly vibrating enema to myself, my husband and our child as we creepily sleep together in our group bed.

According to Catherine McEver, her Wonder Bread art can last up to four years. It’s beautiful, but the questions this raises about Wonder Bread are infinite and horrifying… Not to mention the consequences of waking up in the middle of the night to find yourself groggily gorging on a PB and Thread. Remember that time your dog ate string?

Via Shelterrific.