This coffee mug is the shit.*

*A co-worker made up that joke and Beth from Remarkably Domestic emailed us the product so basically I’m the laziest blogger ever. Here’s a pic of me at the keyboard. Weird that I have six nips, huh?

The Porch Potty may be for dogs, but I’m guessing at least one fraternity has this on their porch for drunken party pissers. The premium model only costs $279, which is the cost of, what, three pre-date rape dinners, some cab fare and a morning after pill? Worth it!

Use your oafish slobbery to paint lovely landscapes on your dinner napkins. Naturally, when you’re done with your chili-covered sloppy joes, it’s time to step into the tightie-whitie version for a little f-artistic expression.

If you work in an office and are partial to chili, you need these. If you subsist on a diet of broccoli and prunes, you really need these. If you’ve ever looked at a Fiber One bar in a grocery store — even just a quick glance — call it quits. There’s no protecting you now.

Subtle Butt Odor Neutralizers, $11.98

The next time you take a truly notable shit, don’t just call your mom. Commemorate that sweet corn and Frito pie forever with Crapidermy. I put mine right next to my Nobel prize.

adsfsd

PS – If Orhan Pamuck tries to tell you I roofied him stole his Nobel Prize, he is a fucking liar.

3D drawing paper. Also know as “the only thing keeping me from burning Urban Outfitters to the ground.” Finally all of those handcrafted ejaculating cock and explosive fart doodles you draw when you’re bored can be appreciated in their full, face-splattering glory. Meetings are about to get a lot more interesting.

I’m in your toilet, eating your turdz. Is this the product that officially proves we have too much fucking time on our hands? Or is it The Back-Up, Your Bedside Gun Rack? I overheard someone say that America will end one day, that all empires do and given these two products I can’t say I’ll be sad to see us go.

I think these are pretty much a mandatory for anyone that works in an office, works from home or doesn’t work at all. That’s right these are mandatory for all humans. P.S. I wouldn’t drink that if I were you. I’m a method pranker.

It seems a shame to waste a colossal fart like this to make a lamp when you could be subjecting your dog to the Dutch Oven to end all Dutch Ovens. Of course, your dog will respond in kind and, well, it’s the end of the world as we know it. While we’re on the subject, “shotgun” on the mutant T-Rex when we get to the post-nuclear-fart-apocalypse dystopia.

White toilet paper? I don’t think so. My asshole is an Autumn.

PS – People actually buy this shit. The last time I looked, everything but red had sold out.