Let me tell you a little story. It’s called the day I (almost) grew up. It was today. It happened on etsy. I typed in “poop” because I wanted something really gross to write about…and not a single poop product made me laugh. Getting older is a real bitch. After that I headed over to Swiss Miss and found these Toilet Paper Roll Owls and I find them charming. Gag. Someone put me out of my misery before the arthritis sets in.

The cool factor of the Moki stool is completely overshadowed by that chick’s hideous sneakers. How the hell did she manage to step in Lisa Frank’s period?

You know what I call this? The Human Seatipede. And if my friends don’t call it that, you know what I do? I cor-rectum. HEY-OH!

Use this color-changing showerhead to turn your shower into the red light district. Even more so than your love of anal already does.

Not anymore. As of this weekend, I’m off to Austin to violate and humiliate an entirely new city full of people. I have to say this moment is bitter-sweet, but I chock that up to the pack of Sweat Tarts I just ate. I kid. Here are a few things I’m really going to miss about my home town.

The Lakewood Landing and the hipsters who sketch it.

Park, even though they insist you wear pants to dine there.

The burger at the Grape, but not the burger belly I grew eating the burger at the Grape.

The view of downtown from the Belmont Hotel’s patio.

The Ticket. Everyone’s got a dirty little secret. At least mine isn’t anal leakage. *poignant cough*

This picture of someone else’s friends and family. But also my own friends and family. Don’t be strangers, y’all. *wipes back tear*

If you’re like you, you’ll need Urban Outfitters to sell you a pre-melted clock. If you’re like me, you’ll just buy a regular clock and blast it with a monster fart.

It took us awhile, but we’re finally getting around to posting the Corn Kerneler. It removes your corn for you since you’re too lazy to eat like a big boy/girl. And since you’re such an incredible layabout, may I also suggest saving yourself further energy by going ahead and pouring the whole kernels directly into the toilet. We all know how it’s going to end, now don’t we?

While you and I were sitting around eating our boogers and pondering why our armpit sweat smells like pan-fried onions, some genius used time that could have been spent curing cancer making this commode-o-dragon. I would just like to say, well done sir or madam. Well done.

Do you drink coffee to wake up? I don’t, but I do wake up to my cat’s a-hole shoved in my face every morning. Interesting, then, that this Ceramic Drip and Filter combined my cat’s rear view with your morning pick-me-up. Here’s hoping it doesn’t make your coffee taste like ass.

Sauna Pants? Let’s just say any pants can be Sauna Pants when there’s a Taco Bell down the street. I was going to try harder, but I know you’re just scrolling by this post on your way to ogle our boobies.