Mirror, mirror on the wall… Your ass is fat. That is all.

Fairest Wall Art, $24.95

The last thing I want is Christ the Redeemer watching me shower. It’s embarrassing enough that my pastor watches me masturbate.

J.D. Salinger personally pooped in here, officially making this the world’s most overrated toilet. I hope for his sake getting to number two wasn’t as difficult personally as it was professionally. Meanwhile, serial killers everywhere are desperately clenching back doodoo boners as we speak.

Can you play the banjo? More importantly, can you wield one as a deadly weapon if necessary? You’ll need one if you ever out in the backwoods and stumble across an outhouse equipped with one of these. This Redneck or Wetback (seller’s words, not mine) Toilet Paper Holder appears to double as a corncob dildo. I find that scarier than Deliverance times Leatherface to the power of number two, but if you’re an inbred corprophobic with OCD, it’s probably pretty cool.

I thought pissing with the door open was the ultimate in disgusting, pathetic relationship apathy. But, lo, God created the Loveseat Toilet. Well, God or some sick dumbfuck with a community college design degree. Probably the latter because I think God would be more likely to get a Masters in Stem Cell Research. It’s the wave of the future!

Shaped like a Game Controller and scented with Monkey Farts?! This soap is like sex repellent. Which is a good thing since I presume it’s for kids.

Looks like someone finally cracked the code on making toilets even shittier. And that someone is me. I’m going to buy a baker’s dozen!!

Rudolph Toilet Cover, $11.25

I really liked this petri-dish soap when I first saw it, but since then my like has waned. Too bad for you because it’s officially Give Up O’Clock and I’m going with it. Enjoy your half-hearted post, bitches.

Teach your kids how to keep it in the cooch with this bedazzled tampon finger puppet. You can also use it to help wean virgins off pads…or whoever the fuck is still wearing those bulky disasters. Seriously. How is StayFree in business?!

There are a lot of things I don’t really understand. Like String Theory, Two and a Half Men, and why anyone ever wants to play Monopoly. Then rampant consumerism shat out this mind-boggling turd. Bodiless, yodeling pants with a wiener remote? This is the pinnacle of our achievement. I’ll just set them here next to my dancing fish trophy, dancing daisy with sunglasses and California Raisin figurine then curl up in my Snuggie in front of this burning oil spill. Oh, and also, I’ll be using a whale’s spout as a port-o-john. I heart you nature.