“Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ing-mwrahr-ftt-ftt.” That’s the sound of a million cat lady boners rocket-blasting cats right out of laps. Cat-on-carpet static won’t be the only electricity in the air – not with the 6 Packs 9 Lives 2012 Calendar in the house. Your Tender Vittles may start to tingle, but you’re going to want a totally different kind of post to scratch this itch, ladies. Trust me.

Via my friend Toby, who is a lady, but not the cat kind.

I know we’re called Badder Homes & Gardens and not Badder Accessories & Whatever The Fuck We Feel Like posting about, but these Cat Hats with Ear Flaps demand an exception. Except it’s not really an exception at all because if you even sort of, kind of, maybe considered buying one, you’re clearly a shut-in and honestly, what could be more homey? P.S. Don’t at all think of that as a judgment, I, myself, am headed that way. See you in the chatrooms, furball58.

Is this my favorite thing that’s ever been invented? No, that would be anti-freeze, (odorless, tasteless and real, real poison-y) but this is a close second. Well-designed, eco-friendly and the ultimate cat pee clump catcher, I think I’ll go ahead and order myself a baker’s dozen.

When you can’t find anything to post about, just search “penis” on whatever site you’re on. When you do, stuff like this comes up. They’re called Bully Sticks and they’re “a dehydrated large tendon of a bull’s penis.” I was horrified enough when I thought they were for humans, but then I read that they’re for dogs and I just thought, “Fuck that. Someone needs to set this cause to Sarah McLachlan music STAT.”

Rule Number 1: The doctor lies (in sunbeams).

Rule number 7: Never run when you’re scared. Unless someone’s vacuuming.

Rule number 408: People aren’t the boss of you.

If that makes any sense to you, you’re re-tardis. Be right back, I have to go polish my lego Gallifrey.

The Porch Potty may be for dogs, but I’m guessing at least one fraternity has this on their porch for drunken party pissers. The premium model only costs $279, which is the cost of, what, three pre-date rape dinners, some cab fare and a morning after pill? Worth it!

Pet portraits printed from the ashes of your deceased pets? It’s Jeffrey Dahmer meets QVC. The only thing that could make it more disturbing would be if the segment were hosted by Steve Buscemi and Michele Bachmann’s eyes.

First World Problem: Your tiny dog has no lap to sleep on while you’re at work.

sdfadf

Badder World Problem: I sold your tiny dog to a disreputable meat distributor while you were at work. If you want to see him again you should probably swing by McDonald’s for a Happy Meal.

Via Buzzfeed.

I can’t wait to wrap my kitty cat up in this adorable bear skin rug. She’s been pretty chilly ever since I skinned her for our cat skin rug.

For the sake of this exercise, please pretend that this astronaut-lookin’ motherfucker is a very tall Pomeranian.

Pound Control to Major Pom
Take your heartworm pills
and put your collar on

Pound Control to Major Pom
Commencing countdown,
Leashes on
Check submission
and may Dog’s love be with you

This is Pound Control
to Major Pom
You’re ready to be spayed
And your papers have you cleared for dental care
Now it’s time to leave the shelter
if you dare

This is Major Pom to Pound Control
I’m scratching at the door
And I’m barking
in a most obnoxious way
Because I cannot wait to get away

For here
Am I pissing in a cold crate
Far from a dog park
The shelter’s loud
And I really have to poo

Though I’ve chomped
one thousand rugrats’ hands
I’m feeling very bored
But my new owner knows which way to go
Tell my bitch that she’s in heat

She knows

Pound Control to Major Pom
Your owner’s bleeding,
And you’re gone.
Can you hear me, Major Pom?
Can you hear me, Major Pom?
Can you hear me, Major Pom?
Can you….

Here am I running
round my neighborhood
Far from all you dicks
before I ran from you
I pissed on your favorite shoes…

.

Dog Peek via the foxiest She Wolf in town, Dani Stover