Monday, August 6, 2012

Bitches and Pussies: Doggy Queen

I’m not using Treat Stick for my non-existent dog. I’m using it for myself. Just as soon as I figure out how to get two Oreo Cheesequake Blizzards up in that bitch.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Bitches and Pussies: Hate in an Elevator

A few weeks ago we posted about how Bret Michaels is designing his own pet-wear. It appears that Steven Tyler’s emaciated corpse wants in on that. Well, not S.T.’s corpse, per se, but Puppylocks, makers of fine feather weaves for your pooch. Which is great, because I’d hate for there to be a totally played-out trend that our pets can’t enjoy. And just because, here’s a picture of a 90s cheerleader bow the groomer slapped onto my wolf hybrid. It’s all fun and games until someone gets their face eaten.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Bitches and Pussies: Every Dog has its Do-Rag

If you can in fact catch a sexually transmitted case of retardation it would definitely be from the lovely ladies of “Rock of Love.” The proof is in the new line of Bret Michaels pet gear called Pets Rock. Doggy do-rags? Yes, please. The better to catch the brain bits when this poor German Shepherd takes your shotgun and ends it all.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Bitches and Pussies: We’ll Leave the Light on for You

True fact: dogs really don’t like you watching them make with the bathroom stuff,wrinkling up your nose like you poop cotton candy and pee French 77s. Have you ever tried to maintain unwavering eye contact with a dog while he/she takes a crap? You should try it. I heard they’re making huge advancements in face-transplant technology these days.

 

Via Dan the man who’s always on the phone when I go to Red Mango.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Bitches and Pussies: Animal Crackups

I’d totally get this if I had dogs. I don’t because my cats would seriously fuck some dogs up. It’s a natural rivalry, and also they saw some craaazy shit in ‘Nam.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Bitches and Pussies: Scar Wars

You’re a Star Wars fan, but the wife isn’t. No, she’s not a Trekkie. It’s worse. She’s a cat person. But this needn’t end in divorce thanks to the AT-AT Cat Condo. It’s a thing that exists and it will go perfectly with that cat Ewok costume you got Fluffy last Christmas. You know what else you should pick up? Some Dermabond Advanced because I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but that cat is going to scratch your face off. For real, yo.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Bitches and Pussies: Luxury A-cat-modations

Ten bucks says he still sleeps on your face.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Bitches and Pussies: The Cat’s De-Bowel

I would pay good money to never find cat litter on my dog’s tongue again. And by good money I mean the less-wrinkled bills from my parents’ 1980s-era Monopoly game. Dog Dreams Baking Co.’s cat poop cookies are almost as dook-a-licious as the real deal, as likely to fool your dog as a fake-out ball throw, and almost as upchuck inducing as this. Cereal Toilet Vortex, you are my new nemesis. Broken High Heel That I Left by My Piano and Trip Over Every Morning, we’re cool again. For now.

 

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Add To Cart

“It’s meow or never,” said the lady about to order her first RealDoll.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Cat Ladies Man

“Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ing-mwrahr-ftt-ftt.” That’s the sound of a million cat lady boners rocket-blasting cats right out of laps. Cat-on-carpet static won’t be the only electricity in the air – not with the 6 Packs 9 Lives 2012 Calendar in the house. Your Tender Vittles may start to tingle, but you’re going to want a totally different kind of post to scratch this itch, ladies. Trust me.

Via my friend Toby, who is a lady, but not the cat kind.

 

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