Sunday, February 17, 2013

Brain Dead

It’s a good thing this isn’t life size or, you know, you’d need a microscope to see yours. Oh wait, this isn’t a dick…

 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Just Plugging Along

This lamp puts the “um” in umbilical cord and the FBI wire tap on your landline, and then it puts the “um” on your landline, because who’s still tethered to the wall with a cord? This guy is, my friends. And that’s why it’s called the Circle of Life. (jazz hands.)

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Spot the Problem

This incredibly realistic leopard stair runner is a great way to teach your kids fun leopard facts. For example, leopards are the best climbers of all the big cats, they begin learning to climb trees at 3 to 4 months old and they can easily drape around the branches because they’re flimsy goo-filled skin sacks born completely devoid of organs or bones.

 

Monday, December 3, 2012

Hamming It Up

Hold on. Recovering from vomiting after writing that terrible post title. “All your post titles are terrible.” Well, you can go to hell. Be sure to say “hi” to my mom when you get there. Back to this post. It’s about this Jon Hamm coloring book I found via the Etsy Pinterest boards. Love it. Because nothing says “holidays” like a coloring book about a handsome, lushy anti-hero with a burger problem. Except waking up dazed in a strange bed next to a department store Santa. Or a handwritten card that reads, “One free pass for anal.”

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Delivering a Tongue Bashing

Much like a purple nurple, this is a shocking twist: these aren’t actually obscene! Apparently the goal of this crap is to “sublimate the fonction of the object.” Yes, fonction. That’s what is says. I don’t know what the fonction it’s supposed to mean but I think we can all agree that it’s time to change our underpants.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Urine the Running

I may not be a pee pro, but I’m pretty well-known on the amateur circuit. Which is what I call the toilet in my master bathroom, in case you were wondering.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

A Real Bra Burner

Hey party people! Just putting the finishing touches up for the mega-rager I’m going to be throwing tonight. I’ve got my Feminist Kill Joy banner up, the bras are crackling merrily in the fireplace, and the menstrual relief tea is brewing on the stove. Yep, it’s beginning to feel a lot like  Post-Sexism Neo-Socialist Utopia! And don’t you worry about getting bored. I’ve got activities a plenty. First, we’ll be pinning the pubic hair on the vagina(I would have gotten witty with the game name, but using euphemisms for vagina steals our power), then we’ll be pushing real hard until our leg hair grows, and then we’ll be taking back the word “cunt.” Be there or be square whatever shape you want because no one tells you what to do!

Friday, October 19, 2012

The U. of Eye

There’s a fine line between creative genius and homicidal psychosis, and that line is BFA diploma viewed from the side while it’s laying on a table. There’s also a fine line between blogging and being investigated by the FBI, and that line is a Google search bar that’s constantly populated by the words “Ed Gein human skin lamp.”

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Wake Up and Smell the Catastrophe

Nothing says ambiance like a nod to crushed, burning corpses. Now if only the manufacturer had the foresight to make these candles scented…

Monday, October 8, 2012

Rub a Dumb Dumb

There are at least a couple of good reasons not to have a hot tub installed at your home. Number one: it’s not the 70s. But if you just can’t resist the urge to soak in a warm vat of diluted urine and spilled wine coolers, not to fear. The Hot Tug is here. (Hold your applause.) Now you can take your show urinary tract infection on the road white-trash lake to remind your neighbors of the urgent need to circle-circle-dot-dot give themselves a douchebag shot. It a public service, really.

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