Thursday, September 27, 2012

Diddle Me This

When Mittens went off on his tangent about the good-for-nothing 47%, he left out one very important fact: that the other 47% are assholes. What kind of assholes? The kind who would buy a box of mail-order holiday gourds for $68. Sad but true. What about the 6% we left out? They’re busy masturbating. Tragically, they’re our nation’s best and only hope. God speed, diddlers.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

A Blighter Shade of Pale

I can’t decide if these make me want to decorate for Halloween (time-consuming!) or just go the easy route and get pregnant with “accident-prone” Albino quadruplets.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Mix Tape in a Coma, I Know It’s Sirius

This little cassette-to-iphone gadget is guaranteed to top out at number one on the “What To Buy Someone Who Just Woke Up From A Coma They’ve Been In Since 1989″ 2012 Holiday Gift List. Salvaging their Men in Hats tape will really soften the blow when you tell them it’s now super not cool to wear Hammer Pants.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Crafter’s Paradise

My lifestyle is artsy, my craft friends would agree
So much tape that wrapping paper don’t faze me
Hot glue gun, DIY? Done.
Groupies on my Pinterest for some homemade fun
Craft blog is booming, internet zooming
Known around the web for my sick yarn looming
Martha Stewart’s teacher, DIY feature
Got some raw wool in my pantry waiting for me to bleach her,
Too many thrifts, turned into gifts
Give any crap from Goodwill a supercute facelift
Crease and tape it like a champ, never have to glue it
Cuz wrapping  ain’t easy; but somebody gotta do it

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Baby Baddy

These unborn fetus models are the only things that have ever made me regret my abortion. Just kidding! My body is a hostile environment that can’t support human life. Just kidding again! I was born without reproductive organs. Okay, I actually had them removed so I’d look skinnier. My goal is to weigh slightly less than a fetus.

 

 

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Baby (and Idiot) on Board

Do you ever wonder if people who ride scooters all the time end up with one shriveled leg and one giant, muscular leg? Also, this is a really great way to kill your baby. What are you six and/or an employee at a pretentious ad agency?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Penis Envy

Here it is, the world’s smallest working gun. Officially upsetting part of the record your penis has held for the past 30 years. I’m implying your penis is small and doesn’t work. Double whammy.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Blonde High Lights

If you want your wittle Princess to be a Barbie girl in a Barbie world, hang this chandelier over her crib for inspiration. And if you want your little Baby Bro to be a douchey dude in a date-rapey world, hang it over his crib. Hellooo, tiny upskirts.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Funky Town

Disco isn’t dead. It’s just been hiding in the bathroom for the last 40 years after being swatted with a newspaper for doing it’s business on the family room rug. Wait. Did you just hear something? Disco, if you’re in the trash again … so help me God I will turn the vacuum loose on you!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Waiting for the Other Call to Drop

I just got back from a vacation where I had to wear flip-flops (barf party) every day for a week. Flip-flops aren’t shoes. I felt homeless, just like this stupid flip-flop phone looks homeless. Phone homeless. ET Phone Homeless. The ET stands for Embarrassing Travesty. Also, I left my brain on vacation, did you notice?

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