It’s hard to open a business in a shaky economy. It’s hard to open a bank account when you have bad credit. You know what it’s not hard to open? A GODDAMN BANANA.

“Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-ing-mwrahr-ftt-ftt.” That’s the sound of a million cat lady boners rocket-blasting cats right out of laps. Cat-on-carpet static won’t be the only electricity in the air – not with the 6 Packs 9 Lives 2012 Calendar in the house. Your Tender Vittles may start to tingle, but you’re going to want a totally different kind of post to scratch this itch, ladies. Trust me.

Via my friend Toby, who is a lady, but not the cat kind.

 And the baby Jesus was born and they lay him in the manger. The three wise men arrived bearing gifts. Oh, and the freak show / volunteer fire brigade was there, too. Here are the Christmas ornaments you can expect to find on your kooky spinster aunt’s tree this year. And if your holiday spirit and eyes make it through this post, find a ton more disturbing ornaments over at Buzzfeed.

I’m not here to judge your proclivities. But we all know the weird mouth-hole on this Ram Footstool (double entendre – get it?) isn’t meant to be filled with Christmas cheer. Now, in the spirit of the holidays, I’d like to apologize for implying that all men are compelled to stick their peen into every hole they see à la Porky’s. I’m sure some of you have grown out of it.

 This Santa doesn’t head down the chimney. He’s more of a back-door guy. Seriously, St. Nick. Timmy said he wanted Hot Wheels Wall Tracks, not a Blumpy.

Should I be worried that the very first thing that popped into my head when I saw this was, “Here I am! Rock me like a Whorey Jane!” Or more worried that the second thing was a really long inner monologue about how her hairstyle is clearly not a Jane hairstyle and more of a Betsy or a Elle? I’m worried. The first thing to pop into my head should have been a deep concern about labial splinters. In the wise words of Dr. Dre, never let me slip cuz if I slip then I’m slippin’. Ya heard?

I’m so not impressed, Butt Lightning. You may have a lighting bolt coming our of your butt, but I have ?#&*@^! coming out of my mouth.

“You already drink like a fish so you and this wine holder have a lot in common, but unlike you it can hold it’s liquor.” And that, boys and girls, is what we call The Ultimate Pun-un-un-un. (<– That’s The Ultimate Echo.)

“Voted toaster most likely to result in a felony.” – The Where’s My Fucking Coffee Times

“Toaster to the face is a surprisingly effective treatment for adult onset acne.” – Zit-Girl Magazine

“It’s not torture. It’s breakfast.” – The C.I.A.

Your family can put funeral carnations in this terrifying seal vase after you die from it stealing your soul. Just FYI, from the look on his face, I’m pretty sure he’s also gonna steal your underwear.