No sir! This creepy beast freaked me out as a kid and now it’s back to haunt my fucking days. Oh sorry, your Facebook page was up… What are we talking about? This adorable felted Falkor? Aww, he’s sooooo cute.

One night in the summer of 2006, I spent many hours drinking on a beach in Cannes, France with the guy who did the laughs for both Beavis and Butthead. The experience was incredibly odd, as he was totally normal in every way, but then I’d say something unbelievably witty – naturally – and a hybrid Beavis/Butthead laugh would come out. Also that night, I was asked on a date by a very sweaty dancing man with Alopecia, shortly before making out with a German guy with blonde dreadlocks.

And these, my friends, are some of the many reasons you should get into advertising: free 10-day trips to French Riviera, the meeting of D-minus-list celebrities, dance parties that resemble an episode of True Life, horrible champagne-goggle decision making of the Aryan-nation-cum-Reggaeton variety, and the audacity to start a blog solely for the sake of talking about these things. Also, these dudes are terrifying, no?

via that Bunghole, Alan McCoy

Ok, so Dinoprints says their custom-made, personalized, realistic photo-illustrations of people riding dinosaur are for kids. But that doesn’t justify the restraining order. I mean, I get it. My ass is so fly it’s criminal, but a simple rejection note would have sufficed. You’d think no one ever ordered a poster of themselves naked, nursing an armadillo while riding a dinosaur before.

On sale now at Fab.com.

Obviously, looking up Woozie Wine Koozies made me question whatever happened to Swoozie Kurtz. I mean, who didn’t love that redheaded minx in Bubble Boy and The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom? So off to IMDB went I, only to discover the saddest news I’ve gotten in a long time: God rest her soul… Swoozie’s on Mike and Molly. Worse than dead, I’d say. So I’ll be pouring a little clearance rack Yellow Tail out of my Woozie in honor of Swoozie. And then I’m getting a hysterectomy and hot flashes, because those seem like the most logical next steps.

Hey, kids, this super-duper yummy and oh-so-nutritious Spaghetti O’s Pizza is brought to you by a severe Number 2 and the letters CP and S!

If you’re enough of a lonely loser to sit at your computer with a “pet rock” in your right hand, I have a feeling your left hand is doing some petting of its own, nawmean?

I just realized this is a USB rock, not a mouse. So let’s all ignore what I wrote and reflect on the fact that a chihuahua peed on my boob today.

In what world does this thing come with just one rap video vixen? I demand a cash refund. Have Jeeves shovel it into my stretch Hummer and I’ll be on my way.

I think this Black+Blum Heavyweight Aluminum Tape Dispenser is so pretty. I’m already sad that mine will soon be covered in skull fragments and bloody hair clumps…

The guy who made these radically nerdy Mario and Luigi birdhouses was an actor in a commercial I shot for my real job. A NAKED actor. Yes, that’s right. I’ve seen the dude’s Bowsers and Donkey Kong. And the best part? Advertising is nothing like college, so I got to see it all without showing him Princess Peach.

A Mr. Tea Towel?!? I feel like we all should have thought of this one million Murdochs ago.