Ok, so Dinoprints says their custom-made, personalized, realistic photo-illustrations of people riding dinosaur are for kids. But that doesn’t justify the restraining order. I mean, I get it. My ass is so fly it’s criminal, but a simple rejection note would have sufficed. You’d think no one ever ordered a poster of themselves naked, nursing an armadillo while riding a dinosaur before.

On sale now at Fab.com.

Obviously, looking up Woozie Wine Koozies made me question whatever happened to Swoozie Kurtz. I mean, who didn’t love that redheaded minx in Bubble Boy and The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom? So off to IMDB went I, only to discover the saddest news I’ve gotten in a long time: God rest her soul… Swoozie’s on Mike and Molly. Worse than dead, I’d say. So I’ll be pouring a little clearance rack Yellow Tail out of my Woozie in honor of Swoozie. And then I’m getting a hysterectomy and hot flashes, because those seem like the most logical next steps.

Hey, kids, this super-duper yummy and oh-so-nutritious Spaghetti O’s Pizza is brought to you by a severe Number 2 and the letters CP and S!

If you’re enough of a lonely loser to sit at your computer with a “pet rock” in your right hand, I have a feeling your left hand is doing some petting of its own, nawmean?

I just realized this is a USB rock, not a mouse. So let’s all ignore what I wrote and reflect on the fact that a chihuahua peed on my boob today.

In what world does this thing come with just one rap video vixen? I demand a cash refund. Have Jeeves shovel it into my stretch Hummer and I’ll be on my way.

I think this Black+Blum Heavyweight Aluminum Tape Dispenser is so pretty. I’m already sad that mine will soon be covered in skull fragments and bloody hair clumps…

The guy who made these radically nerdy Mario and Luigi birdhouses was an actor in a commercial I shot for my real job. A NAKED actor. Yes, that’s right. I’ve seen the dude’s Bowsers and Donkey Kong. And the best part? Advertising is nothing like college, so I got to see it all without showing him Princess Peach.

A Mr. Tea Towel?!? I feel like we all should have thought of this one million Murdochs ago.

 This print is going right above my toilet because I always find Dolly’s lyrics such an inspiration. Islands in the stream, that is what poo are – unless you feel the need to flush between courses. And sometimes you need to Jolene, Jolene, Jo-lean into it to pinch off those difficult turds. If there’s a Country hell I’ll be there working 9 to 5 on the brimstone factory line with Kenny Rogers. He knows what he did.

Shopping for an egomaniac just got a lot easier. Ether Press turns an arrogant friend’s Tweets into a book or, in our case, a porn magazine.