These coasters aren’t very functional since you can only use them at Canadian weddings.

…said the balloons that I was loudly popping in the face of your soundly sleeping newborn.

I loved these when I first laid eyes on them and then I saw the price tag. $34 for something this awesome?!? It’s like someone started a Make-A-Wish foundation just for me.

You’re so silly, Ecological Business Cards. Hippies don’t have jobs!

Tampon lights? Pssshhhh…. my vagina already lights up a room. Related: if anyone’s skilled in flashlight removal, please contact me immediately.

This is the lazy man’s version of the Q-tip skeleton craft. People with real dedication insist on the natural look of a decaying skeleton, easily achieved by using all the Q-tips first. Jab really deep to get the good, hard brown stuff. If you jab too hard and it comes out all red, it’s cool. Everyone knows skeletons are period-laden Commies.

I’m so glad I stumbled on the idea of gift-wrapping a bottle of wine in a pair of socks. I’m going to this guy’s birthday party this weekend, and I didn’t want to give him another pedicure gift card.

One day, the boyfriend and I decided to let our cats rename each other. So now instead of just Ruby A-Go-Go and Mae Crashenburn, they also respond to Juan and Pete. Yeah, they’re both girls, but they picked the names, not us. Either way, they don’t drink tea, so I’ll have to give a Pete teapot to some dumb person instead of my talking transsexual cat. The End.

Here’s a fun little trick you can do your damn self. Just remember that “jizz” is spelled with two z’s.

Whatever they’re charging for this sofa, it’s too much. I met a hobo under the 15th and Lamar bridge who said he could make the same thing out of a mildewed sofa he found in the creek and some used condoms. All I had to give him was a bottle of Boone’s Farm as down payment and he said he’d throw in delivery for free. As my mom always says,  “If you can’t trust a guy thinks he murdered Santa Claus, who can you trust?”