I hate to break it to the company that makes these, but little boys come equipped with their own tube toys.

All of the creepy without any of the fun. These stick-on glory holes definitely don’t suck. And that’s a shame.

Curbly has figured out a way to turn an empty lotion bottle into a charger basket for your cell phone. You know what this means. “Fapping is the gateway to Etsy success?” No, stupid. The Littles are going to have to fashion some sort of grappling hook out of stripped twist ties and dental floss if they ever want to play their precious Angry Birds again.

I come from a long line of domestic goddesses, so I already have my Grandmother’s recipes framed and hanging in my kitchen. And by that I’ve mean I’ve stapled the label from a bottle of Tequila onto the wall above my Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.

I hate to break it to you, kiddo, but if your parents make you this dollhouse, they don’t really love you. Or you’re just totally poor and this is all the scrap cardboard they could scrounge up that hadn’t been soaked in garbage water in the alley behind the 7-11. In which case they TOTALLY love you… but I think all of your are super gross.

Completely fine with me, Guy. I keep my cigarettes in my rectum anyway. Now aren’t you glad you bummed one? Oh my gosh, that’s so disgusting. I swear I’m a girl. No really I am…

Theft Prevention Lighter Decals, $4

The Branch Holder makes any stick into a sword. Hey, kids, you know what else makes any stick into a sword? Imagination! Also, a shank attached to the end with a combination of industrial grade rubber bands and all-purpose indoor/outdoor use Gorilla Glue. Playtime is fun!

These coasters aren’t very functional since you can only use them at Canadian weddings.

…said the balloons that I was loudly popping in the face of your soundly sleeping newborn.

I loved these when I first laid eyes on them and then I saw the price tag. $34 for something this awesome?!? It’s like someone started a Make-A-Wish foundation just for me.