Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Tie One On

Cute. A flask you can hide in your tie and take to work. One question. You can’t drink openly at your office? I’ve been drinking non-stop in this office for years and no one’s said a damn thing. Wait … this isn’t an office. It’s an underpass. Man, that got depressing fast. Jäger Bombs, anyone? Twitchy guy in dirty bear costume, I’m looking at you.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Working On Your Chemistry

Well, you know what they say… liquor in the front, beaker in the rear.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Hamming It Up

Hold on. Recovering from vomiting after writing that terrible post title. “All your post titles are terrible.” Well, you can go to hell. Be sure to say “hi” to my mom when you get there. Back to this post. It’s about this Jon Hamm coloring book I found via the Etsy Pinterest boards. Love it. Because nothing says “holidays” like a coloring book about a handsome, lushy anti-hero with a burger problem. Except waking up dazed in a strange bed next to a department store Santa. Or a handwritten card that reads, “One free pass for anal.”

Thursday, November 1, 2012

A Real Bra Burner

Hey party people! Just putting the finishing touches up for the mega-rager I’m going to be throwing tonight. I’ve got my Feminist Kill Joy banner up, the bras are crackling merrily in the fireplace, and the menstrual relief tea is brewing on the stove. Yep, it’s beginning to feel a lot like  Post-Sexism Neo-Socialist Utopia! And don’t you worry about getting bored. I’ve got activities a plenty. First, we’ll be pinning the pubic hair on the vagina(I would have gotten witty with the game name, but using euphemisms for vagina steals our power), then we’ll be pushing real hard until our leg hair grows, and then we’ll be taking back the word “cunt.” Be there or be square whatever shape you want because no one tells you what to do!

Friday, September 7, 2012

Crafter’s Paradise

My lifestyle is artsy, my craft friends would agree
So much tape that wrapping paper don’t faze me
Hot glue gun, DIY? Done.
Groupies on my Pinterest for some homemade fun
Craft blog is booming, internet zooming
Known around the web for my sick yarn looming
Martha Stewart’s teacher, DIY feature
Got some raw wool in my pantry waiting for me to bleach her,
Too many thrifts, turned into gifts
Give any crap from Goodwill a supercute facelift
Crease and tape it like a champ, never have to glue it
Cuz wrapping  ain’t easy; but somebody gotta do it

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

867-530-Whine (or Beer)

Beer opener iPhone case? Absolutely. We really don’t drunk dial enough.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Tap that Ass

Nothing says “I’m still a bachelor” like a stadium seat that makes it look like you’re pissing yourself and drinking your own urine. Newsflash: your seat may be camouflage, but we can clearly see that you’ll die alone.



Via Caleb, who’s a poet blog contributer and didn’t know it.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Soda Jerk

Apparently you can use your washing machine to store cold drinks for parties. Just remember to separate your white drinks from your colored drinks, you goddamned racist.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Alcoholics Not So Anonymous

Sneaking your beer into the stadium using a bad Unibomber costume with a straw sticking out of it? Some people would call that conspicuous. Other people would call it fucking retarded.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

She’s Crafty

Speaking of Beard Koozies… Look for my new line of Bike Merkins coming to a cycle shop near you!

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