Don’t let the lingering summer heat beat the alcoholism out of you. When your liver is crying out for some delicious frosty abuse, tasty Champagne Slushies are the perfect treat. And this handy step-by-step guide makes them as easy as 1, 2, 3! Uh… 4. There are four steps, so suck it.

Step 1: You don’t have a clue how to cook, so there’s plenty of room in your freezer to put a bottle of champagne for quick chilling while you and your boyfriend watch Mad Men and drink a bottle of red wine. Just find a place near the brick-solid Lean Gourmet that’s been wedged in the corner for at least two years.

Step 2: Forget you put the bottle in there so that it explodes all over the place, narrowly missing the (also 2 year old) can of lemonade concentrate from your favorite food group: Mixers.

Step 3: Using an ice cream scoop, form small champagne snowballs. If you want to follow my recipe exactly, you’ll need to drop most of this on the floor, cursing liberally because you JUST cleaned the goddamn floors, goddammit. Stupid fucking blog.

Step 4: Garnish with a bendy straw and serve your Champagne Slushies in a commemorative “Erin and Josh, April 2003″ wedding champagne flute and a 24 carat gold-rimmed brandy snifter that you may or may not have stolen from your parents’ house. Don’t invite guests; these cocktails are elegant enough to offset the tackiness of double fisting.

Voila! Pair your gourmet cocktails with a gourmet meal and dinner is served!

If you use this pigeon bottle opener at your next party expect the bassist from Kings of Leon to have three drinks and then puss out like a little bitch. “I’m sorry party, but I had to bail. Also, sorry about all those songs we wrote except that one Sarah likes. That one’s pretty cool.”

This sofa looks pointy but it’s made entirely of soft, cushy foam. That means no sharp corners, stray nails or “do not remove by penalty of federal law” tags to terrorize your kids. So, give ‘em some blow, kick back, and, you know, just see what happens.

10 AM ladybug? Fuck that. 10 AM is praying mantis time at my house. Plus, every other line item on this list should be “whiskey.” Tell your  to-do list glassware it can’t tell me what to do, Fred Flare!

These conversation coasters are pretty cute, but I don’t need to rely on “what’s the most amazing weather you’ve seen?” to start chattin’ somebody up. I tend to fall back on my old standbys: “Who do you plan on date-raping tonight?” “If you had to catch one of my STDs, which would it be and why?” and “Just because you’re calling the cops doesn’t mean I’m gonna stop humping your grandmother.”

These Puzzle serving boards link together to accommodate multiple appetizers, oversized foodstuffs, or extra long lines of coke. Oh, and they hold up your wine glass. Which is perfect because your hands are gonna be pretty shaky from snorting foot-long lines of coke all night.

These glasses aren’t labeled because I want more. They’re labeled so I can remember which one has the Visine in it. <–That would be really funny (hysterical actually) if anyone knew what that eff Visine does to you. But you don’t. So thanks a lot, WORLD, for ruining all my jokes!! *Door slam.* You’re not my mom!!

Whoa, it’s so beautiful. Buy one for the hippie in your life and hope that they stare into it in wonder until their dilated pupils burn out and that coating of patchouli oil fries their skin. Strike that. Stare into it until your pupils burn out. Then get one of those helper dogs and teach it to secretly snarl at children when their parents’ backs are turned. But if you’re blind, you can’t appreciate their looks of shear terror. Ah, fuck it. It’s not worth it.

Via the oh so mysterious FiPi LeLe.

Something smells like Sparks and Urban Outfitters in here. Must be this CRT television iPad dock. It makes your gagillion dollar minicomputer look like an old piece of crap. What’s next? A car dock that makes your car look like a fixie? A koozie that makes your Diet Coke look like a Pabst? A hat that makes your hair look like an unwashed, blonde rat’s nest? Chapstick that makes your lips look like mustaches?  Well, here’s a hint from Helloise: you’ll save  time and achieve the same effect if you just buy a giant douche bag and flop around in it instead.

Via the always delicious, SwissMiss.

Even though Shark Week will only ever mean bloody, crampy periods to me, I still appreciate Etsy doing a Shark Week showcase. Especially since it includes this Shark Cootchie. I mean Koozie. Eh, potato, po-tah-to, tomato, vagina.