Coincidentally, Disposable Flask was my nickname in college.

Obviously, looking up Woozie Wine Koozies made me question whatever happened to Swoozie Kurtz. I mean, who didn’t love that redheaded minx in Bubble Boy and The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom? So off to IMDB went I, only to discover the saddest news I’ve gotten in a long time: God rest her soul… Swoozie’s on Mike and Molly. Worse than dead, I’d say. So I’ll be pouring a little clearance rack Yellow Tail out of my Woozie in honor of Swoozie. And then I’m getting a hysterectomy and hot flashes, because those seem like the most logical next steps.

Just like yours, these cocks deal with a lot of condensation. Oh, you said “condescension”? Carry on…

It’s that time of year again. Time for the world’s hottest grinches to pack up our egos and sign-off for 2011. Don’t despair. We have It’s a Wonderful Life marathons, those Courtney Stodden Christmas photos, and after-Christmas shopping to fill our days until we meet again. So…how much whisky will it take to drink myself into a two-week coma?

I don’t drink beer, seeing as to how I am classy and shit. But, should I decide to move to a Michigan trailer park and start cow-tipping, you can bet your sweet bippy I will pick up the Seussian Skuuzi koozie. According to the description, it somehow keeps your hand warm and your beer cold. “What devilment be this,” is probably what your asking yourself. The answer: the devily kind. I really can’t be more specific due to the nondisclosure. As you can imagine, Hell has the best lawyers.

“You already drink like a fish so you and this wine holder have a lot in common, but unlike you it can hold it’s liquor.” And that, boys and girls, is what we call The Ultimate Pun-un-un-un. (<– That’s The Ultimate Echo.)

I don’t know which is worse: the unblinkingly sinister overeagerness or the SmartShopper^TM 301 Grocery List Organizer. Even the name is overcomplicated. It’s voice activated and sorts over 2,500 preloaded groceries and household supplies alphabetically or by category. But, you know what else can make and sort lists? My brain. And I don’t need to read an instruction manuel to figure it out. It runs on booze and tacos.

Here’s a little Pleasant Holidays with the Family tea – each leaf hand-selected by Jim Jones – to make your Thanksgiving extra fugue-state-y. I’m sure it will be just the thing to keep the sibling stabbing shallow and non-life-threatening. As for the Be a Better Parent tea, I’d say play it safe and just go ahead with that abortion.

This a choose your own adventure post. If you are a total nerd, proceed to post A. If you are no longer a virgin, proceed to post B.

Post A: I always wondered what kind of mugs they had in the break room at House Harkonnen. I take my face pustule ooze gooey with two sugars, please.

Post B: Finally, a mug that helps you out with those post-coffee urges. You know what I’m talking about. Diarrhea. It’s got a butt plug for your diarrhea. Man, that nerd post is way better. Too bad you’re so dumb.

Bonus Post: * makes fart noises with hands*

Drinking wine straight from the bottle (or, in your case, the box) is totally déclassé. Drinking it from a wine glass fused to the top of the wine bottle? The height of elegance. I heard Kate Middleton has three.