Monday, July 2, 2012

On Top of Old Smokey (the Bear)

This Japanese robot pillow pokes snorers in the face to get them to shift to their sides. Three questions. Why is it shaped like a polar bear? Does it come in a version for female snorers where the polar bear wakes you up by poking your face with his boner instead of his hand? Because that’s what we’re used to. And who programmed it to call your mom on speaker phone every time you masturbate? Oh, yeah. That last one was me.

Friday, June 22, 2012

That’s Humerus

When you become a DIY master, you can actually craft your own Anorexia.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Cock-A-Doodle

Turns out for years we’ve been misspelling Donald Dick.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Song of So Low Man

 

Hey, I sure hate you,

Cuz you’re so lazy,

I’ve got your number:

You’re no Scorsese

 

I know for sure that

Your future’s hazy,

“Deep” thoughts and slumber,

You fucking baby

 

And all the other guys

Have advanced degrees

But you’re encumbered

By Art Star Crazies.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Royal Flush

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to take a piss in a terrible pun? Well, stop before you end up making something like this. I hate the guy who created this almost as much as I hate people who say the idea has been flushed out. You flush out partridges for a hunt. You flesh out ideas. It’s fleshed out! Fleshed!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Wurst Idea Ever

Sorry for the short post, but I could barely stop vomiting long enough to tell you about these grillable Cakewurst cupcake sausages. It’s cupcake batter in a pig intestine for your grill – and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. If your hobbies include creative baking and serial killering.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Rhymes With Mulva

And all this time I just thought “Labia Cakes” was a cute nickname from college…

via BuzzFeed and The Dirty Normal who thinks these are the work of Evil Cake Shop

 

Beef Jerky

Meat balloons: the ideal decoration for any lucky serial killer’s birthday party! Who should we celebrate… John Wayne Tasty? Buffalo Burger Bill? Albert Fish Fry? Robert Finger-Lickin’ Pickton? The Son of Ham?

Hey, don’t blame me. No one’s making you read this crap.

You Can’t Do Her On Television

This week on Everybody Loves Raymond:

Raymond: “Honey, I’m home.”

Waits, but there’s no answer…

Raymond: “Why is there never anyone here to appreciate me and bring me a beer?”

Laugh track

Raymond’s Bitchy Wife: “Are you back, again? I was upstairs spending your money on sachets and hideous old lady underwear you can’t unfasten.”

Laugh track

Raymond: ”Good news. I got this Stamina Pillow with an ugly lady on it. She’s like my worst nightmare so I can do you for even more seconds that one time a year you begrudgingly let me sex in your vagina.”

Oooooooooo track

Raymond’s Bitchy Wife: “You want to know my worst nightmare? Longer sex with you. I’m going to go kill myself”

Laugh track

Friday, May 18, 2012

This Bud’s For You

The first thing I thought when I saw the Beast Koozie was definitely not how hard I would laugh if someone shoved it up my ex-boyfriend’s prone anus. Which ex-boyfriend, you ask? Well, a lady doesn’t threaten ass-rape and tell.

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