Looks like I can finally upgrade my bath style from Whore’s to Cowboy. Cowboy Bath lets you scrub dem dirty parts when you’re on the go, like camping, mountain biking and probably also semi-professional backyard mud-wrasslin’. Plus it’s from fucking TEXAS where all amazing things are created. I’ll just leave exhibits A and B right here.

Etsy: Purveyors of all things “awwwwwwwwwww.” And also this. I think this thing may start a new decorating trend. I’m calling it Log Cabin-Goth.

Dry plants? Nothing the log and squirrel pot can’t fix. Every time your green bundle of thorns needs water, the squirrel disappears. Which is great until your dad sees that squirrel pop back up and starts shooting up the patio with his six gauge. What is it with dads and squirrels?

Hey, you got nerd on my beach! Hey, you got beach on my nerd! Two great tastes that go great together until the shirts come off and the reflected light burns right through your retinas.

Via BuzzFeed’s List of 27 beach towels you’ll want to show off.

Looks like somebody finally dethroned John Madden for Biggest Head in the Goddamned World.

Apparently you can use your washing machine to store cold drinks for parties. Just remember to separate your white drinks from your colored drinks, you goddamned racist.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade! And when life gives you a lemon-powered clock, make a call to the patent office and ask them why they’re wasting everyone’s time on this shit when there are diamond kittens to be invented.

via Bobby Finger, whose last name wants to make out with my last name.

It’s time to replace your denim-covered Rooms To Go couch from the Cindy Crawford collection. So scoot your denim-covered ass to I.D. Dallas’ Summer Furniture Showcase this weekend to ogle and buy amazing handcrafted furniture (and furnishings) with some amazing handcrafted dudes thrown in to sweeten the deal.

Duh, guys who build furniture are hot.

HOSTED BY: I.D. Dallas

WHERE: Stage 404 – Address and Map

WHEN: Saturday the 16th, 8pm – 10pm & Sunday the 17th, 11am – 4pm

WHO: Kipp Lott, Field Day, Springer Design Studio, Council & Craft, Richard Wincorn, Stash Design, Dan H. Phillips, KC Caekaert, Tony Barsotti and Satelluxe

ALSO: Free parking, complimentary wine

I’ll be there every minute of both days, so come say hello and compliment my rack. It’s the polite thing to do.

The Off-Road Commode isn’t just cleaner than every road stop toilet you’ve ever hovered over, it’s a great way to spice up your Chinese Firedrill. You won’t need toilet paper. Just air dry at 30 mph. And, bonus, the toilet seat is camouflaged so the deer and/or enemy soldiers will think you can float while you poop and they’ll just give up. That shit is terrifying – pun intended.

The great thing about this pixelated fire is that it will be conveniently located in the fireplace when I burn it to the ground. I’m all for gratuitousness. So long as said gratuitousness involves violence and nudity. I love you, Game of Thrones.