This is what it would be like if you could do your furniture shopping on a subreddit. That’s right perverts, I’m gunning for you with joke bullets. That should put an end to your shenanigans.

It’s time to replace your denim-covered Rooms To Go couch from the Cindy Crawford collection. So scoot your denim-covered ass to I.D. Dallas’ Summer Furniture Showcase this weekend to ogle and buy amazing handcrafted furniture (and furnishings) with some amazing handcrafted dudes thrown in to sweeten the deal.

Duh, guys who build furniture are hot.

HOSTED BY: I.D. Dallas

WHERE: Stage 404 – Address and Map

WHEN: Saturday the 16th, 8pm – 10pm & Sunday the 17th, 11am – 4pm

WHO: Kipp Lott, Field Day, Springer Design Studio, Council & Craft, Richard Wincorn, Stash Design, Dan H. Phillips, KC Caekaert, Tony Barsotti and Satelluxe

ALSO: Free parking, complimentary wine

I’ll be there every minute of both days, so come say hello and compliment my rack. It’s the polite thing to do.

Well, kids, now that Michael Jackson’s dead, you’ll need to buy this sofa if you want velvety soft hands to cup your ass.

Do It Your Damn Self is usually just an outlet for telling you you’re lazy and dumb and no actual making takes place. But today is different. I actually made something. No, not a number two in the potty (just anticipating the question that will pop into my mom’s head when she reads this), a coffee table.

I bought a 6′ piece of walnut from Wood World in Dallas. We had to sand it quite a bit. It was hard, so I feigned t-rex arms and let my dad do most of that part. JK, I helped.

Then we stained it. Krista’s amazing boyfriend/furniture-making-expert (of Field Day) recommended I use this Danish oil. He was not wrong. It was simple and quick and I only ruined one piece of clothing in the process. The final product ends up looking rich and hand-rubbed (like my boyfriend *rim shot*).

I bought four 18″ hairpin legs from hairpinlegs.com. That’s right, I only shop at places with names that say exactly what they sell. We added some braces to prevent those natural splits in the wood from expanding over time. All the screw holes were predrilled to prevent splitting. “That’s what he said,” to that last sentence.

And voila! The best table you’ve ever seen. Don’t be jealous, it causes acne and makes kittens die.

You should never let a dude into your vagina on the first date. That’s what second dates are for. But you can let him into your fauxgina. He may even think it’s the real thing… from what I’ve heard, they’re about the same size.

Should I be worried that the very first thing that popped into my head when I saw this was, “Here I am! Rock me like a Whorey Jane!” Or more worried that the second thing was a really long inner monologue about how her hairstyle is clearly not a Jane hairstyle and more of a Betsy or a Elle? I’m worried. The first thing to pop into my head should have been a deep concern about labial splinters. In the wise words of Dr. Dre, never let me slip cuz if I slip then I’m slippin’. Ya heard?

I love that this is called the Hug Chair and in the lonely people version there’s just a laptop. Which I’m assuming makes it the Jerkin’ Off to Porn Chair.

via umlauttin’ like a motherfucker, brönette

NunoErin’s touch-sensitive furniture let you know which of your friends has butt dimples, which one has wrinkly knee-pits, and which one’s vagina print looks like that alien face on Mars.

The Hermaphrodite chair is the seating equivalent of Taylor Momsen: it looks like a rib cage and it’s designed to be straddled.

via Stephanie Fisher

Doesn’t it look like the thumb from this hand chair shoves straight up your cooter? I’m not asking, kittens. I’m hoping.

via My Favorite and My Best