This is what it would be like if you could do your furniture shopping on a subreddit. That’s right perverts, I’m gunning for you with joke bullets. That should put an end to your shenanigans.

This Handmade Baked Potato Bean Bag Chair with Butter Pat Pillow is only $200. I know what you’re thinking, “Money doesn’t grow on trees, wench.” And maybe it doesn’t, but seriously is the name calling necessary?

I should have known something was wrong when Chairy started running off to the bathroom after every meal. She may be dead, but she’ll live on as played by Tracey Gold in the Lifetime movie adaptation.

Shockingly, these chairs do not come with complimentary cat and Doctor Claw glove. That wasn’t funny. Hey, cut me some slack. What about this … Go-go Gadget Jokes! *Accidentally punches self in the face with Gadget Fist.”  I should have gone with Danger Mouse humor.

Who’s ready for this daughter of a Chemist to shame my whole family? Here goes!

You should sit on Mercury, cuz your ass is crazy!

Can your friends sit here? No, they Argon!

When I eat my meals, this is where Iodine!

1…2…3…DISOWNED!!!

If you ever try to break up with this coffee table, it’ll start playing “More Than Words” by Extreme and then good luck leaving after that, asshole.

via Blu Dot Blog

Note to self: need larger computer screen, waste basket and refrigerator. *Bleeds out from giant paper cut*

It’s time to replace your denim-covered Rooms To Go couch from the Cindy Crawford collection. So scoot your denim-covered ass to I.D. Dallas’ Summer Furniture Showcase this weekend to ogle and buy amazing handcrafted furniture (and furnishings) with some amazing handcrafted dudes thrown in to sweeten the deal.

Duh, guys who build furniture are hot.

HOSTED BY: I.D. Dallas

WHERE: Stage 404 – Address and Map

WHEN: Saturday the 16th, 8pm – 10pm & Sunday the 17th, 11am – 4pm

WHO: Kipp Lott, Field Day, Springer Design Studio, Council & Craft, Richard Wincorn, Stash Design, Dan H. Phillips, KC Caekaert, Tony Barsotti and Satelluxe

ALSO: Free parking, complimentary wine

I’ll be there every minute of both days, so come say hello and compliment my rack. It’s the polite thing to do.

Well, kids, now that Michael Jackson’s dead, you’ll need to buy this sofa if you want velvety soft hands to cup your ass.

Oh great, now every office douche is going to be zooming through the halls with one suit pant leg rolled up, cutting you off at the refrigerator and talking about their beard. Otherwise known as “every single day in the advertising industry.”