This is the perfect couch for anyone who lives in an episode of Scooby Doo. But I don’t. I live in an episode of The Shirt Tales. Or at least that’s what you should tell anyone who questions my constant lack of pants.

This sofa looks pointy but it’s made entirely of soft, cushy foam. That means no sharp corners, stray nails or “do not remove by penalty of federal law” tags to terrorize your kids. So, give ‘em some blow, kick back, and, you know, just see what happens.

Ign. Design calls this a Natural Wood Bed. But they all are, aren’t they? Listen, if your bed doesn’t create natural wood, then you probably need a Brazilian.

If this is all it takes to make a chair, congratulations, we each have a closet full of chairs. Midriff baring, coochie-cutting, occasionally crotch-less chairs. With or without cum stains.

Locks of Love has finally joined forces with the National Aesthetician Association. Starting today, all pube donations made during your Brazilian wax will be collected to make chairs for the less fortunate.

This chair reminds me of an American Apparel ad were waif boners and mom butts are thinly clothed in shimmery spandex. The only difference is, this chair is useful.

Cats have had dominion over our laps for too long. It’s time to rise up! And then sit back down. On giant, kind of creepy cat-shaped couches. That’s right, cats. Fuck you.

Here’s hoping this Coyote Butterfly Chair isn’t made of real Coyotes. Unless it’s made of Peter Coyotes. That guy just  skeeves me out.

I don’t know why I love graffiti, but I do. Maybe it’s the little repressed suburban in me wearing Chico’s khakis and sensible shoes, but I’d dry hump a lamp post to get my mitts on this.

I bet the two BO-reeking hippies sitting next to me on the plane right now would just love this pillow couch. They’re both piled up into the kind of steaming, pretzel-shaped, bile-summoning sleep heap that only people with tapestry wraps, birkenstocks and beards can achieve. I hate them so much that I hope they’re reading this as I type it. Hey, space-wasters! Can I call you Sequoia and Chrysalis? I bet I can. Please barter your handmade dreamcatchers for this couch so that you can sleep like normal people for ten minutes before I smother you with enough pillows to choke a recycled Vegan horse.