In India, dentists like to sit on exercise balls with Snickers up their butts. In America, we prefer an Almond Joy*.

*Special thanks to Chad Ballew, who knows quite a bit about candy and butts.

I like anything cheap and plastic (except the Real Housewives of any city), maybe that’s why I love the idea of this $3 Chair Exhibit. Highlights include “White Plastic Chair,” “Plastic Chair in Wood” and “Gold Chair.” Lowlights include “Slider Chair,” “Statement Chair,” and, apparently, the ability to name art.

via mocoloco

Oh, fantastic. I’m in the market for a new dining room table, and the Harvest table perfectly meets my three requirements:

1. Slim, modern silhouette.

2. Comfortable seating for eight.

3. Constant reminder of my grandmother’s pubes.

If the bed is a rockin’, don’t wear your socks in. Because if you do the bed will only be rocking to the rhythm of your clammy-handed self-love and silent sobbing. Weirdly enough, I’ve heard that is exactly how every Blink 182 song was composed. That’s right Travis Barker, I dissed you instead of Nickleback. Eat your crispy little heart out.

I’d say get one of these Hammock tables for your cat to hang out in, but you’d be better off flushing money down the toilet. Your cat is going put his butt on your computer, your magazine, your book, your open, snoring mouth or the petit fours you just iced regardless of what you buy. That’s because fucking shit up is pretty much your cat’s favorite kind of fucking. Incidentally, if you’ve got old plumbing, don’t flush hundreds. Stick with the singles.  Krista and I found out the hard way that’s all those pipes can handle. Inci-incidentally, incidentally is my word of the week. You should all scream real loud.

Someone has invented the perfect tailgating chair. Well, technically you can also use it for just sitting in your front yard gettin’ your ironic on. It’s got the chair version of a giant nut sack filled with ice and flavored malt liquor beverages – what we Texans call “Bitch Water.” Plus, if you like bare-backing but hate child support, you can cool off your boys until you’re sterile  before you have drunken sex and wake up minus your wallet. Not sold? You could probably take a dump in there in a pinch. Think about it.

This is maybe the first time in the history of fence products that chain link hasn’t been used to restrain Rotts, Pits or rabid little Wal-Mart kids. You know the ones with the dirty feet and home-cut hair. Those mangy little bastards will steal your wallet if you don’t pay attention…your social standing, too.

These are chairs made out of real New York street signs. How can tell? Easy. They smell like urine, talk to imaginary people and they’ve seen Jumpin’ Jack Flash, like, 18 times. Plus they totally love crack.

This side table melts on your couch, not in your hand. *Rim shot* But seriously folks, as a kid, I used to keep the boogers I didn’t eat on the wall behind my bed. But as an adult, this seems like a more sophisticated spot. And since this amazing table was painstakingly hand carved from oak, I feel the need to promise all the boogies wiped on it will be hand-picked at the peak of perfection by a white-gloved hand with its pinky out – all while watching BBC America in the formal living room, of course. That is where all the sophisticates do their nose picking.

This table is taking a piss on your rug. Just like I’ll do if you ever invite me over. And trust me, you will. Then after the puddle, I’ll hump your leg. And, like, drag my butt. Hell, I might even sniff your balls*.

*That one’s for you, SchipolLanding.