Do It Your Damn Self is usually just an outlet for telling you you’re lazy and dumb and no actual making takes place. But today is different. I actually made something. No, not a number two in the potty (just anticipating the question that will pop into my mom’s head when she reads this), a coffee table.

I bought a 6′ piece of walnut from Wood World in Dallas. We had to sand it quite a bit. It was hard, so I feigned t-rex arms and let my dad do most of that part. JK, I helped.

Then we stained it. Krista’s amazing boyfriend/furniture-making-expert (of Field Day) recommended I use this Danish oil. He was not wrong. It was simple and quick and I only ruined one piece of clothing in the process. The final product ends up looking rich and hand-rubbed (like my boyfriend *rim shot*).

I bought four 18″ hairpin legs from hairpinlegs.com. That’s right, I only shop at places with names that say exactly what they sell. We added some braces to prevent those natural splits in the wood from expanding over time. All the screw holes were predrilled to prevent splitting. “That’s what he said,” to that last sentence.

And voila! The best table you’ve ever seen. Don’t be jealous, it causes acne and makes kittens die.

This Toast Mattress is perfect for you, Butter Face. In case you were wondering, it helps you dream up insults from the 90s.

I don’t know why, but I want a bean bag chair. I can only imagine it’s because the backs of my thighs simply aren’t sweating nearly enough. Also, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BRUSH YOUR BANGS OUT OF YOUR EYES!!! Or, you know, maybe I could just stop staring at them…

You know what hippies hate, besides the efficient charms of Capitalism and any rationale supporting the basic tenets of hygiene? The motherfuckin’ three-second rule!

In your face, accepted notions of human decency that suggest it’s unsanitary to eat food off the floor! Suck it, unnerving feeling that every bite entering your mouth is coated in dog hair and skin flakes! Kiss their asses, realization that bulgar wheat and nutritional yeast are rendered even more repulsive at Birkenstock level!

Extremely rough, pus-filled blister, chewed-cuticle high-five, hippies! Way to stick it to the man!

I hear this dresser only goes out with much younger bookshelves… Well fuck, I just googled “cougar” and it turns out they ain’t gots no spots. Judges ruling? Incorrect joke post stands. Court adjourned.

Rub-a-dub-dub

White trash in a tub

Piled in by the dirty dozen.

Some rednecks, some hookers

Stripclub talent bookers

All lounging and kissing their cousins.

I’ve been searching for a desk chair and instead of finding one, I’ve just figured out I don’t like most chairs. Then that crazy ol’ cooter Pinterest showed me this. Now I can’t wait to rush out, buy all the supplies and then let them just sit there. Because let’s face it, I never finish anythi…

They call this the Lazy Man’s Football Chair. Not nearly lazy enough, if you want my opinion. Hit me back when you create the Lazy Man’s Refrigerator Chair with built-in toilet and jumbo-sized cup holder. Also, make it a motorized cart so I can go to the grocery store for more Cheetos.

These tables and stools are eco-friendly. They take scrap bits they find at lumber yards, put them in a bucket of hold-together stuff (my guess is Fix-O-Dent…and forget it!) and create table legs and stool tops. Which is weird because I like to pick up stuff I find lying around lumberyards, too. Namely, lumberjacks.

via Clint “SoCal” Martin

I’ve been trying to write this post about Simposons Chairs for days now and all I can think of is the Jetson’s theme song with “Simpsons” substituted for “Jetsons.” So I’m just going to add this clip, climb off the floor of this bar, and call it a day.