Not at my house, you won’t. For heavens’ sakes, I kill succulents! (That’s a synonym for fetuses.)

Here, buy this pot of false hopes.

Dry plants? Nothing the log and squirrel pot can’t fix. Every time your green bundle of thorns needs water, the squirrel disappears. Which is great until your dad sees that squirrel pop back up and starts shooting up the patio with his six gauge. What is it with dads and squirrels?

Looks like somebody finally dethroned John Madden for Biggest Head in the Goddamned World.

With lace fence, your yard can be as tacky as everything you ever bought from Contempo Casuals. If you happen to have held on to any of that crap, I hear they’re paying top dollar over at Buffalo Exchange.

With the Obama Head Planter all you need for your garden to grow is hope and a lot of change – $125 worth to be exact. Tune in tonight at 6 PM when Obama Planter takes on Zombie Garden Gnome and Decrepit Bird Bath in this election season’s first great debate.

This is called Long Dong Silver which is totally weird because it looks nothing like Clarence Thomas… Please tell me at least some of you remember when he called himself that and put a pube on Anita Hill’s Diet Coke. A pube. On a Diet Coke. Who does that? Oh yeah, Long Dong Silver…

via Jennifer S. and she doesn’t even know it.

Rub-a-dub-dub

White trash in a tub

Piled in by the dirty dozen.

Some rednecks, some hookers

Stripclub talent bookers

All lounging and kissing their cousins.

I’m not much for summer. It’s just 120 days of humidity, excruciating heat and bikini related soul-flagellation. But this year I have something to look forward to (other than True Blood). It’s the Amazing Bug Zapper. It uses a battery-powered electrified mesh to destroy bugs in midair. Now I’m off to find out whether or not it works on squirrels.

Fairy Berries are 3/4-inch LED balls that last for 20 hours. Which sucks because it’ll take you at least 21 hours just to put these dumb things up. Do yourself a favor — buy a case of Mountain Dew and steal some children. It’s your only hope.

To most thoroughly enjoy the dumpster swimming pool, one needn’t be waste, but should surely be wasted.