With just a flick of the wrist you, too, can enter the enchanting wonderland of high blood pressure, bloating and swollen ankles. Welcome to your 30s, snitches.

Magical Wand Salt & Pepper Shaker, $15

…said the balloons that I was loudly popping in the face of your soundly sleeping newborn.

This is called Gangsta Wrap and it’s pretty much you’re go-to when your gifts ain’t nothin’ but tricks and hos.

via Chad “Zipper Bass” Ballew

Just in time-ish for Valentine’s day, you can compare your love to… what, heartburn? Hemorrhoid discomfort? The burning itch of Herpes Simplex Vagina? If it’s anything dating me, I’d say that’s accurate. Just ask my boyfriend or my gynecologist. (They’re the same guy, by the way. My Uncle Carl.)

These Candy Cuffs are perfect for your diabetic lover. What are they going to do, eat their way through?

Remember when it was January, but I force fed you Christmas ornaments? Yeah, I remember that, too. It’s called now.

LukeLampCo swears this is DIY Clay Skeet Mason Jar Candleholder is “The Most Manly Gift on etsy.” Well, Luke, clearly you haven’t seen this Scorpius Codpiece and Belt. Exactly.

Who exactly needs coffee soap to wake up their hands while washing them? I’ll tell you who: the friend I had in High School who would sit on his hand before masturbating so that it would fall asleep and feel like a stranger was touching his wiener. Otherwise known as The Smartest and Eighth Most Perverted Friend I’ve Ever Had.

Where the hell is the bandage for Pimp Stab? Uh… I’m asking for a friend. And yes, the friend and I do doubles. Just negotiate a price with my pimp.

I’m not a huge Gaga fan. I mean, did I once walk to Movie Trading Company to buy a Gaga CD because I couldn’t remember my iTunes password and I needed the CD, like, NOW? Yeah, of course. So does that make me a fan? Whatever. I don’t really like labels. But I do kind of like this Unicorn Stocking that crazy bitch designed for Barneys. In fact, I kind of like the entire Gaga Workshop…but yeah, still not a fan.