Monday, August 26, 2013

I’m the Bossiest of Them All

It’s been far too long since I’ve demanded things of you, but I’m back!

The Boyfriend’s company, Field Day, is a nominee in the Martha Stewart American Made competition and we can’t think of any good reason for you not to vote for him. Lose your arms to a rabid bear? Make like Stephen Hawking and vote with your face. Don’t own a computer? YOU FUCKING LIAR YOU ARE READING THIS ON A COMPUTER.

The benefit to you is that by clicking this link you can ogle his stupid-hot self and also cast a kindly vote in his direction. As a thank you, I’m putting the tit in gratitude and flashing my laptop in your honor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Sip Up on This, Fart

If you’ve ever suspected that your parents screwed you and your name is longer than five letters, it’s officially official. They did. Krazystraws are personalized straws that can say anything you want under five characters. Silver lining? ALL the four letter words fit.  Even ‘pube.’

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

I Suc at Nurturing

Not at my house, you won’t. For heavens’ sakes, I kill succulents! (That’s a synonym for fetuses.)

 

Here, buy this pot of false hopes.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Wake Up and Smell the Catastrophe

Nothing says ambiance like a nod to crushed, burning corpses. Now if only the manufacturer had the foresight to make these candles scented…

Friday, September 7, 2012

Crafter’s Paradise

My lifestyle is artsy, my craft friends would agree
So much tape that wrapping paper don’t faze me
Hot glue gun, DIY? Done.
Groupies on my Pinterest for some homemade fun
Craft blog is booming, internet zooming
Known around the web for my sick yarn looming
Martha Stewart’s teacher, DIY feature
Got some raw wool in my pantry waiting for me to bleach her,
Too many thrifts, turned into gifts
Give any crap from Goodwill a supercute facelift
Crease and tape it like a champ, never have to glue it
Cuz wrapping  ain’t easy; but somebody gotta do it

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Party Time?

Ewww. Sick. Regular heads are so stupid, but Hip Hop Heads are HOT. Buy these tiny trucker party hats/teenage pregnancy makers and make your head suck less. You can write on them, too. Just be sure to make the “p” in dope backwards. Why? Because it’s not just tits. It’s grandma tits. (They’re so gross they’re cool!)

I mock what I love. I want these so bad it hurtz.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

House Calls

If you have a cut, you’re going to need these and if you don’t have a cut, call me. It can be arranged.

 

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Get Well Never

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know who you are, pleated-jeans.com, but I know who you’re going to be — the father (or other mother) of my unborn child (or adopted dog).

Easy Rider

My favorite thing that could possibly happen with these? Two dicks show up to the same party in the same hat. Can you even imagine?!? And yes, these are actually little chocolate hats for your little…um…penis.

via Connor “App for That” Hill

 

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Waiting for the Other Call to Drop

I just got back from a vacation where I had to wear flip-flops (barf party) every day for a week. Flip-flops aren’t shoes. I felt homeless, just like this stupid flip-flop phone looks homeless. Phone homeless. ET Phone Homeless. The ET stands for Embarrassing Travesty. Also, I left my brain on vacation, did you notice?

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