If you want to turn a chubby companion into an chubby ex-companion, give them this card. Or just continue to be yourself, it’ll wear on them eventually.

It’s your birthday, eat all you want. Just be sure to wash it down with a lady finger. Because seriously, no one likes a fatty. Except, maybe, Tom Arnold.

Sweet Stands, $10.95

While I can clearly see the aesthetic appeal of this music box, the movement of which causes the barley to sway, I can’t shake the aw-shucks, redneck, hillbilly flavor of swaying barley. SWAYING BARLEY. Yeah, that’s some kissin’ cousin bullshit. I’m pretty sure this is the next thing those beer-eating bumpkins are gonna deep fry and mouthfuck at the State Fair of Texas.

I heard your OB/GYN used these to scoop yeast-y chunks out of your cooch. True or false?

Bonus: Every card comes with authentic dreariness and real-live suicidal thoughts.

You should buy this Bearded Clam catnip toy because it’s much less painful than filling your actual vagina with catnip and letting your cat gnaw on it. Just ask Nikki when she gets out of the ICU.

You can doodle on this picture frame to make it match all your photos. And if I know you, there’s going to be a whole lot of wiener and butt doodlin’ goin’ on.

This cake bunting is so cute it makes my privates hurt and the only cure for that is more bunting.

If you buy these Totem Pole coffee mugs from Urban Outfitters, don’t be surprised if they ask for them back.

*I’m 1/16th Native American, so I can say that.

These Puzzle serving boards link together to accommodate multiple appetizers, oversized foodstuffs, or extra long lines of coke. Oh, and they hold up your wine glass. Which is perfect because your hands are gonna be pretty shaky from snorting foot-long lines of coke all night.