Edible google-y eyes?!? Fuck you, Jonas Salk and your precious Polio vaccine… This is the greatest invention of all time.

This book by Amanda Hunt offers “152 ways to seal the deal.” Way number 134? Have a vagina. Number 98? Be Jon Hamm*.

*Sound the stolen joke alarm. I swiped that from SNL.

There are two things I like in life: York Peppermint Patties and breakin’ rules, and I’m all out of York Peppermint Patties. So peep your eyeholes on Trends We Love while I break the rules of this here blog (I’m the boss, seeee?) and post about pretty, inexpensive, non-home things that can distract from your ugly, cheap, homely face.

Trends We Love was started in part by our pal Lee Taylor. The site carries bags, jewelry, heroin, scarves and also I lied about the heroin. But you’ll be addicted to the crazy low prices! SEE WHAT I DID THERE? (Seriously, those earrings? 20 bones Jones. A steal, for real).

Anyway, buy it all before I buy it all because I’m fucking rich as shit and can wipe ‘em out in nanoseconds. Truth.

Hit em up! Facebook! Twitter! A picture of a marmoset!

Headed for a bikini wax? Grab one of these before you go because despite what your mother told you, thigh pubes are not normal…and neither are taint goatees.

via Incredible Things

If this poster were a little more accurate it would say, “What’s in it for you?” Because let’s face it, no one is ever nice to be nice. Except me. You’re pretty. Can I have a million dollars please? No? Bitch.

This is called Long Dong Silver which is totally weird because it looks nothing like Clarence Thomas… Please tell me at least some of you remember when he called himself that and put a pube on Anita Hill’s Diet Coke. A pube. On a Diet Coke. Who does that? Oh yeah, Long Dong Silver…

via Jennifer S. and she doesn’t even know it.

His biggest crime? Mom jeans.

This heavy-duty burrito camera lens wrap is made from the same tough, impenetrable materials as Hazmat suits. So, basically, you can save yourself twenty bucks and wrap your lens in a Taco Bell tortilla. Same Tyvek, slightly better taste.

This is called the Gentleman’s Ballscratcher and you know what that means — your mom’s going to be out of job real soon.

This is called a Memory Bank and it’s made to store things of sentimental value, not monetary value. Like love notes, ticket stubs and all those condom wrappers from your first ever gang bang. All together now, “Awwww…”