Listen, you pretentious hippie posters, if I want to be judged I’ll go to church like a normal person. And by “church,” I obviously mean Judge Judy. She’s one tough cookie!

I’ll have you know that at my house, making tacos IS making war. Because I like to kill the cows myself, and also because I like to give them weapons and encourage them to fight back. You haven’t seen combat until you’ve seen a Red Angus with a thirst for blood, recently grave-snatched and freshly-stitched-on opposable human thumbs and a rusty Puckle Gun. Unless you’ve seen Apocalypse Now, in which case let’s just move on, shall we?

Should I be worried that the very first thing that popped into my head when I saw this was, “Here I am! Rock me like a Whorey Jane!” Or more worried that the second thing was a really long inner monologue about how her hairstyle is clearly not a Jane hairstyle and more of a Betsy or a Elle? I’m worried. The first thing to pop into my head should have been a deep concern about labial splinters. In the wise words of Dr. Dre, never let me slip cuz if I slip then I’m slippin’. Ya heard?

Step 1: Meet Jerry Sandusky.

Step 2: Drop the soap.

here buy this book

This time-out chair is absolutely genius. I mean, just look at that huffy, miserable little jerk. The tinge of fear in his eyes comes from his correct assumption that I’m gonna kick that stool out from under him right when the sand runs out. That’s what you get for interrupting Mommy’s drinking games!

Okay, I know Pinterest doesn’t count as a source, but I don’t know where this came from, so deal with it.

You provide the bike. My car will provide the limb-severing, skull-crushing head trauma.

Least Wanted is a book of mugshots, but it’s easy to make a book your damn self. Just grab some paper, a glue stick and start racking up the felonies.

Felony tip #1: Pay for the paper and glue stick with black market human organs.

I have a sneaking suspicion that we’ve posted this print of a squirrel carcass before, but I also have a sneaking suspicion that the day we posted it wasn’t the only day you’ve ever consumed food. So, basically, if there’s a chance to make you barf up your Toaster Strudel, I’m jumping on it.

That would be strawberry Toaster Strudel, of course. Warm and gooey with strawberry chunks and a shiny, slightly creamy glaze on top. Can’t you just taste it?

This is the sort of DIY project that makes even your dog lose respect for you. Tiny chairs converted into dog food bowls? Dogs don’t sit in chairs. Dog food doesn’t sit in chairs. I don’t get it. Your time would have been better spent masturbating. *silently slides link across the table*

shsdfg

*knowing wink*

I’m breaking the “homes and gardens” rule for a very special post. Holy Smoke is a company that packs your cremated ashes into functioning bullets. Bullets that you can actually shoot at things, nay, at people. Deadly, deadly bullets. Think about that for a second.

That’s right, motherfuckers. I’ll be able to murder some unlucky bastard EVEN THOUGH I’M DEAD. This is the kind of thing I’ve been dreaming of since I was a little girl. Basically my thought process went like this: Jem and The Holograms, My Little Pony, candy, candy, candy, sandbox, candy, posthumous murder, Strawberry Shortcake, jungle gym, cats.