You provide the bike. My car will provide the limb-severing, skull-crushing head trauma.

Least Wanted is a book of mugshots, but it’s easy to make a book your damn self. Just grab some paper, a glue stick and start racking up the felonies.

Felony tip #1: Pay for the paper and glue stick with black market human organs.

I have a sneaking suspicion that we’ve posted this print of a squirrel carcass before, but I also have a sneaking suspicion that the day we posted it wasn’t the only day you’ve ever consumed food. So, basically, if there’s a chance to make you barf up your Toaster Strudel, I’m jumping on it.

That would be strawberry Toaster Strudel, of course. Warm and gooey with strawberry chunks and a shiny, slightly creamy glaze on top. Can’t you just taste it?

This is the sort of DIY project that makes even your dog lose respect for you. Tiny chairs converted into dog food bowls? Dogs don’t sit in chairs. Dog food doesn’t sit in chairs. I don’t get it. Your time would have been better spent masturbating. *silently slides link across the table*

shsdfg

*knowing wink*

I’m breaking the “homes and gardens” rule for a very special post. Holy Smoke is a company that packs your cremated ashes into functioning bullets. Bullets that you can actually shoot at things, nay, at people. Deadly, deadly bullets. Think about that for a second.

That’s right, motherfuckers. I’ll be able to murder some unlucky bastard EVEN THOUGH I’M DEAD. This is the kind of thing I’ve been dreaming of since I was a little girl. Basically my thought process went like this: Jem and The Holograms, My Little Pony, candy, candy, candy, sandbox, candy, posthumous murder, Strawberry Shortcake, jungle gym, cats.

Just like you, the Slow Glow Lamp is filled with fat. Unlike you, it gets brighter and brighter with time.

Craptastic picture taken at Droog in Amsterdam and used solely to make you jealous of my vacation.

No matter how badly your Monday is going, it could be worse. You could be this pot – i.e. cheap, ugly and illiterate like the other 95% of the American population. And, good news, at least you’re not illiterate. To think people say this blog is too negative. I’d call this post downright fucking uplifting.

Ego knock-out blow via Super Punch.

For the sake of this exercise, please pretend that this astronaut-lookin’ motherfucker is a very tall Pomeranian.

Pound Control to Major Pom
Take your heartworm pills
and put your collar on

Pound Control to Major Pom
Commencing countdown,
Leashes on
Check submission
and may Dog’s love be with you

This is Pound Control
to Major Pom
You’re ready to be spayed
And your papers have you cleared for dental care
Now it’s time to leave the shelter
if you dare

This is Major Pom to Pound Control
I’m scratching at the door
And I’m barking
in a most obnoxious way
Because I cannot wait to get away

For here
Am I pissing in a cold crate
Far from a dog park
The shelter’s loud
And I really have to poo

Though I’ve chomped
one thousand rugrats’ hands
I’m feeling very bored
But my new owner knows which way to go
Tell my bitch that she’s in heat

She knows

Pound Control to Major Pom
Your owner’s bleeding,
And you’re gone.
Can you hear me, Major Pom?
Can you hear me, Major Pom?
Can you hear me, Major Pom?
Can you….

Here am I running
round my neighborhood
Far from all you dicks
before I ran from you
I pissed on your favorite shoes…

.

Dog Peek via the foxiest She Wolf in town, Dani Stover

If you’ve ever seen anything, ANYTHING creepier than these little cement sculptures, than I’d like to know exactly what the fuck you were doing at my last gynecological exam.

via The Preppy Hippie

Show me a globe and I immediately think of Globey, which is awesome because anything that reminds me of Pee Wee’s Playhouse gets an A+ in my book. It’s the one and only reason I’m a fan of masturbation.