This is amazing and I can’t help but think you can do it your damn self. Let’s not pretend you don’t get weekly emails from JoAnn’s Fabrics. I’m sure it’s just me. Like I’m the only one who still gets her period in her pants and has to go home and change at lunch. Yeah. Right. Whatever.

via swissmiss

Bonus: Every card comes with authentic dreariness and real-live suicidal thoughts.

If I wanted to wake up in the car to the feel of penis pressing into the back of my neck, I’d go back to carpooling with Gary Busey. Zing. Your move, Busey.

Mr. Willy Pilly the car penis, $20.

My brother-in-law* has such in inherent loathing of the sun that he spent our Virgin Islands vacation sitting under trees at the edge of the beach wearing long pants and cross-stitching. Methinks* he needs to take a note or two from Lauren DiCioccio and start cross-stitching our vacation slides. And after that he should learn how to cross-stitch some motherfuckin’ Pina Coladas, because I came here to get drunk and punch stingrays, and I’m all outta stingrays.

*He is not a Vampire

*I am not a pirate

You should buy this Bearded Clam catnip toy because it’s much less painful than filling your actual vagina with catnip and letting your cat gnaw on it. Just ask Nikki when she gets out of the ICU.

God, I miss the 80s. Big hair, bright colors, oversized glasses, protruding nips, pleat pants, spandex… Wait a second. God, I miss American Apparel…

These aren’t just High School Doodles, they’re embroidered!

This handmade wooly mammoth puzzle is only $42.75. Which is cheaper than traveling back in time and disassembling an actual wooly mammoth, but not as cheap dressing up a date and jigsawing him or her. And by date, I mean pocket vagina.

01Mathery is an ambitious blog project from a pair of young designers who’ve vowed to post an idea a day and, I can only assume, live in an endless pile of discarded VHS tapes, toilet paper rolls, used bolts and wine corks somewhere in the idyllic country side. Here are just a few of their inspired creations:

VHS toilet paper dispenser

nut vase

floating drink tray

I find their stuff so inspiring I decided to give this “idea a day” thing a try. So here is my contribution:

Just multiply that by 365 and we’ll call it a day.

Via Swiss Miss.

Normally fake food is a total let down. If I’m in an antique mall sifting through 15 booths of Faberge eggs and moth-eaten mink stoles with the heads and feet still attached and I turn the corner to find a table spread with more deserts and goodies that you could shake a dick at, I don’t hesitate. I dive in, arms flailing and teeth masticating. And if that food is made of poly-resin? Let’s just say I have a mouth full of crowns and a deviated anus that say the results ain’t pretty. Side bar: who the fuck buys fake deserts? Is it for masochistic diabetics? I don’t get it. But I do get this awesome birthday cake postcard. It makes it look like a drunk left cake in your mailbox and boy are drunks festive.

If I wanted an internet meme stitched on a pillow, I’d skip the double rainbow and demand Antoine Dodson. The rainbows are nice and all, but are they gonna protect you while they’re rapin’ errbody out here? I don’t think so. With Antoine under your noggin and your kids, wife and husband securely hidden in the panic room or corpse hatch, you’re free to sleep peacefully. Didn’t you ever wonder why “dream” rhymes with “meme?” Yeah…maybe you should have.