It’s Friday, grab your dragon mug and let’s toast your virginity. Oh, shit. I spilled my mead on your Magic the Gathering Cards. Just kidding. Made you cry!

I figured the rules for a Moby Dick would be the same as for any other dick – shake it off and zip up. But here it is, the entire novel typed on toilet paper for just $999 on eBay. Let’s joke about it, shall we? I guess this guy had a lot of time to Moby Dick-around. Dar she flows…ummm. Can you turn around?  I have a shy bladder. Oh wait, I’m not done. Guess it’s time I introduce the white whale to  my brown whale. No, never mind. I was done.

No sir! This creepy beast freaked me out as a kid and now it’s back to haunt my fucking days. Oh sorry, your Facebook page was up… What are we talking about? This adorable felted Falkor? Aww, he’s sooooo cute.

The most important thing about these fruit stands is fact that they appear on a site called holycool.net so please shout that the next time someone tells you something amazing or even remotely interesting. HOLYCOOLDOTNET!! It’s even more obnoxious than you’re imagining right now.

via Clint “Murderball” Martin

The great feminist writer of Not Tonight Darling, I’m Knitting – which is a real book, by the way – toyed with a few other titles before committing. They included, but were not limited to: High-Five: Divorce, Y’all, Craft Your Way to Celibacy, Cats, Cats, Cats, Cats, Cats, Knitting (not to be confused with Knitting for Your Cats), and  Knitting Your Vagina Closed with Your Own Pubes. Kudos to her for telling stereotypically handsome dudes around the world where to stick it: i.e. not in our vaginas ’cause ladies hate sex.

This one time, Nikki, Krista and I had an idea to do a blog spoofing fashion blogs. It was to be called Sea of Snooze (in tribute to our favorite local fashion godess), and on it we would post pictures of ourselves in terrible, boring outfits, running through picturesque fields and making duckface while doing the broken down doll. We even went out and took some photos with our friend Clint. But then we got lazy and forgot about it. The end. This tangent brought to you by What Party, who’s awesome embroidery Etsy shop is currently on vacay. I know. Double disappointing.

You know why this Moustache Man Cushion fell asleep? Probably because of some story you told.

 These gesture pop-up cards cover almost the entire spectrum of my emotions. There’s “Fuck You,” “Punch to the Face,” “Your Chode is Stupid Long,” “Look at the Stars,” and “Bunny Ears in Your Instagram.” I’d still like to see the last two, though: “Surprise! Prostate Exam!” and “Titty Twister.”

10 new Star Wars Snowflakes? I didn’t know there were old Star Wars Snowflakes. Because I’m not a sad shut in with a cat named Chewie. So do this your damn self. You can add it to your holiday to-do list. Right after Homemade Fleshlight and Rube Goldberg Suicide Machine.

I’m not here to judge your proclivities. But we all know the weird mouth-hole on this Ram Footstool (double entendre – get it?) isn’t meant to be filled with Christmas cheer. Now, in the spirit of the holidays, I’d like to apologize for implying that all men are compelled to stick their peen into every hole they see à la Porky’s. I’m sure some of you have grown out of it.