If you ever try to break up with this coffee table, it’ll start playing “More Than Words” by Extreme and then good luck leaving after that, asshole.

via Blu Dot Blog

It’s time to replace your denim-covered Rooms To Go couch from the Cindy Crawford collection. So scoot your denim-covered ass to I.D. Dallas’ Summer Furniture Showcase this weekend to ogle and buy amazing handcrafted furniture (and furnishings) with some amazing handcrafted dudes thrown in to sweeten the deal.

Duh, guys who build furniture are hot.

HOSTED BY: I.D. Dallas

WHERE: Stage 404 – Address and Map

WHEN: Saturday the 16th, 8pm – 10pm & Sunday the 17th, 11am – 4pm

WHO: Kipp Lott, Field Day, Springer Design Studio, Council & Craft, Richard Wincorn, Stash Design, Dan H. Phillips, KC Caekaert, Tony Barsotti and Satelluxe

ALSO: Free parking, complimentary wine

I’ll be there every minute of both days, so come say hello and compliment my rack. It’s the polite thing to do.

No, I’m not going to make a dumb, obvious “poke” joke. Especially since this is a wedding invitation, and pre-marital poking is terribly un-Christian. Gettin’ frisky probably just meant he winkled her voss while she zucked his berg.

I love the idea of taking something outdated and turning it into something useful. Like this lamp made of old 45s or Lindsey Lohan as America’s catch rag.

If you don’t think you need a spray-painted green Kewpie Doll, then I ask you this — How exactly do you plan on making your boyfriend’s testicles shrivel?

Un-bitchy aside: There’s some pretty cool spray-painted shit in this shop so check it out.

I hear this dresser only goes out with much younger bookshelves… Well fuck, I just googled “cougar” and it turns out they ain’t gots no spots. Judges ruling? Incorrect joke post stands. Court adjourned.

This cross stitch form My Needle Habit has inspired me to invent a little think I like to call the “hand condom.” You’ll get all of the slapping fun with half of the sensation and – bonus – that awesome latex smell. Don’t expect to learn about it in school, though. They have a slapstinance-only curriculum.

Aptly enough,  via Super Punch.

Bradly Brown is many things: Art Star, Superfox and Witness to and/or cause of most of the horrible decisions I made from 1998 to 2003. But above all, he’s a founding member of  HOMECOMING!, an artists’ group that’s hosting your new favorite event…

Hands on an Art Body. Sounds sessy, yessy? Here’s the dill:

Inspired by the film “Hands on a Hard Body,” where twenty-four contestants compete in an endurance/sleep deprivation contest in order to win a brand new Nissan Hardbody truck, attendees are invited to place their hands on any work they desire on display within the gallery and remain with it throughout the evening. The last participant left in contact with the piece at the end of the night acquires the work at the end of the exhibition.

Everyone who’s anyone loves molesting various artstuffs, so get your fancy pants and Purelled paws to the Oliver Francis Gallery in Dallas on May 19th at 6:00.

The exhibition runs from May 12th to the 26th.

To donate your easy-earned dollhairs and cents, go HERE! For more info, go HERE!  For more exclamation points, go HERE!

When I see fill-in-the-blank business cards, I immediately think, “New way to tell people to eat dicks.” Now seriously, go eat a dick.

I love this pillow beast so much I wanna marry it. How does that work, again? First ladies can marry ladies, then ladies can marry toddlers, then ladies can marry dogs, and THEN ladies can marry pillow beasts?  Correct me if I’m wrong, Republicans…