A co-worker sent this to me and said, “Definitely an ornament that knows how to hang.” Mostly because it looks a penis with a pug head. Just wanted to make sure you’re getting that… It’s too bad, too, because that’s a pretty cute mug on that pug, eh?

I really want to like those holiday Target Lady commercials, but I just can’t. Believe me, I’ve tried. Instead, I kinda wish this plaster hand would drop the lightbulb, come to life and strangle her overacting little throat. P.S. I’m a little stressed out these days. Is it that obvious?

Guess what this Mac ‘n’ Cheese candle smells like? Latchkey kid.

via CMYBacon

I recently stumbled across the Partners & Spade shop. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but it looks pretentious so we should totally rip off those 1%ers and their hoity toity designs. Like these $45 salt and pepper shakers. Step 1: steal tiny S&P shakers from your local bistro; Step 2: Steal tiny cars from your local private preschool; Step 3: Glue together; Step 4: Head to your local Occupy Wall Street protest to show off you’re new J. Crew coat. It sounds wrong, but it feel so right.

The key to deucing at the office is to have a strategy. If your office has only multi-stalled bathrooms, you have to wait for the off hours – i.e. between 10 AM and 12 PM, when people’s coffee has percolated through but before the post-lunch tea-rush. If your office happens to have public restrooms as well as a few private, one-toilet bathrooms, you may think the single is the no-brainer. But what if you poop it up, then walk out just as your boss is waiting to walk in? He/she will know it was you. At least with the multi-stall there’s plausible deniability. Or, you could just buy this toilet-shaped scented tea candle holder, which is only nominally relevant to this post. Your call, stank ass.

I love this balloon invitation, but I like the variation that they used at the end of that one movie (I can’t remember the name) for that charming, intimate little gathering out in the country. You know, where they had, like, a scavenger hunt and there was a guessing game?

Oh, that’s right… it was Se7en. That party looked so fun!

via Stephanie Fisher, who didn’t even know it

I loved these when I first laid eyes on them and then I saw the price tag. $34 for something this awesome?!? It’s like someone started a Make-A-Wish foundation just for me.

Just in case the mere thought of the Badder Girls has fogged up your bifocals, that mug reads “I hate your shoes (please go away).” I’d like to say that once the coffee inside the mug is consumed I’ll be nicer, but let’s face it, I’ll just be more energetically bitchy.

Stacie013 made an entire typewriter out of cardboard and glue. Now, I’m not really sure why you’d need one of these, but then again God gave you genitals and you haven’t done much with those either.

So, what’d did you dress up as for Halloween last night? Ha, you must have mistaken me for someone who dressed up as someone who gives a shit. PS – In case it’s not clear, I didn’t. Anyways, I’ve got nothing for this post except a sweet title and a picture of a really badass cross stitch I found on Pinterest. But don’t worry, your day isn’t totally ruined. If you leave work now, you can get home in time to pick all the good candy out of your kids’ Halloween stash before the end of soccer practice.