With just a flick of the wrist you, too, can enter the enchanting wonderland of high blood pressure, bloating and swollen ankles. Welcome to your 30s, snitches.

Magical Wand Salt & Pepper Shaker, $15

I’m a little teapot,

Short and stout.

Here is my handle,

Here is my spout.

When I get all steamed up

I will shout

That you’ll probably get gastroenteritis from non-pathogenic microbial bone-decay residue contaminating your tea, or possibly even contract cadaverine or putrescine from ingesting toxic doses of the substances.

You can’t put a price on the simple thrill of offending people. Oh, wait. You can. It’s $10. I thought this was a print, but it’s actually a t-shirt. You could technically use it as an apron with some strategic cutting, and that’s home-and-garden enough for me. You kids have a problem with that? Because I’ll turn this internet around! That’s what I thought.

Via Pinterest.

Add “tranquilizer” to the end of this thought and you’ve got my Saturday night.

Do you feel voluminous, punk? Well, do ya?

The great feminist writer of Not Tonight Darling, I’m Knitting – which is a real book, by the way – toyed with a few other titles before committing. They included, but were not limited to: High-Five: Divorce, Y’all, Craft Your Way to Celibacy, Cats, Cats, Cats, Cats, Cats, Knitting (not to be confused with Knitting for Your Cats), and  Knitting Your Vagina Closed with Your Own Pubes. Kudos to her for telling stereotypically handsome dudes around the world where to stick it: i.e. not in our vaginas ’cause ladies hate sex.

Surely it’s no coincidence that a dish used for making pie looks like a package of birth control pills. Either way, I can’t wait to pop your cherry…

…pie into the oven.

Obviously, looking up Woozie Wine Koozies made me question whatever happened to Swoozie Kurtz. I mean, who didn’t love that redheaded minx in Bubble Boy and The Positively True Adventures of the Alleged Texas Cheerleader-Murdering Mom? So off to IMDB went I, only to discover the saddest news I’ve gotten in a long time: God rest her soul… Swoozie’s on Mike and Molly. Worse than dead, I’d say. So I’ll be pouring a little clearance rack Yellow Tail out of my Woozie in honor of Swoozie. And then I’m getting a hysterectomy and hot flashes, because those seem like the most logical next steps.

Hey, kids, this super-duper yummy and oh-so-nutritious Spaghetti O’s Pizza is brought to you by a severe Number 2 and the letters CP and S!

Rock-a-bye baby in the tree top, when the wind blows…dirty underpants to your tiny baby face. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That’ll teach you to be a baby, motherfucker.