Monday, August 6, 2012

T-Boned

I love this aluminum foil. I’ll never need it, but I love it. I prefer to keep my leftovers where they belong — rotting under the pillows of my…nemesises? Nemeses? Shoosh. Fuck pimpin’. Evil grammar ain’t easy.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Baby (and Idiot) on Board

Do you ever wonder if people who ride scooters all the time end up with one shriveled leg and one giant, muscular leg? Also, this is a really great way to kill your baby. What are you six and/or an employee at a pretentious ad agency?

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Ya Burnt

Your love notes are immortalized in toast thanks to this little toaster. Mine would say sweet things like, “Make your own fucking breakfast, you lazy fucknut,” “Please remove the dead hooker from the credenza. Your mother will be here in an hour and I’m not taking the blame for this shit again,” and “Honey, I think we’re out of milk.”

 

via this foxy internet stranger

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Air Apparent

I know these ice cream cone balloons have been around for-fucking-ever, but so have I, and that’s why my Alzheimer’s is starting to kick in. So moving on, have you seen these ice cream cone balloons? I hear they were invented tomorrow.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Ding Dong Bitch

The only thing worse than my phone ringing is an actual human at my door. So, yeah, let’s add annoyance to injury with a mega-tool-tastic piano doorbell. Jam your Chopsticks or Heart and Soul or whatever other song you learned at Church Camp, then pray to your god that I’m in the mood to kill you quickly.

Friday, July 20, 2012

A Cherry on Top

Get this cupcake blanket/fleece poncho/mu’umu’u to hide your muffin top. But apparently not your shame.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Raised Eye Bras

At my house, you don’t need a bra-shaped sleeping mask to pull off this look. That’s right folks, my bras are 32 AA. Yes, that is a real size. No, I didn’t get them at Baby Gap. *runs off crying*

Friday, July 13, 2012

Nice to Meat You

Here’s a tea towel that mocks all those Best Cuts of Meat placemats. But I think we can all agree those placemats are kind of a waste and the real best cut of meat is whatever you can drag home on a Friday night.

 

Soda Jerk

Apparently you can use your washing machine to store cold drinks for parties. Just remember to separate your white drinks from your colored drinks, you goddamned racist.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Out to Punch

This is one way to keep your coworkers out of your lunch box. Another way is to fill the lunch box with pirañas. Less practical, but very dramatic. A third way is a decoy lunch laced with ipecac. I find a few hours of violent vomiting really makes an impression.

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