Do you ever wonder if people who ride scooters all the time end up with one shriveled leg and one giant, muscular leg? Also, this is a really great way to kill your baby. What are you six and/or an employee at a pretentious ad agency?

Your love notes are immortalized in toast thanks to this little toaster. Mine would say sweet things like, “Make your own fucking breakfast, you lazy fucknut,” “Please remove the dead hooker from the credenza. Your mother will be here in an hour and I’m not taking the blame for this shit again,” and “Honey, I think we’re out of milk.”

via this foxy internet stranger

I know these ice cream cone balloons have been around for-fucking-ever, but so have I, and that’s why my Alzheimer’s is starting to kick in. So moving on, have you seen these ice cream cone balloons? I hear they were invented tomorrow.

The only thing worse than my phone ringing is an actual human at my door. So, yeah, let’s add annoyance to injury with a mega-tool-tastic piano doorbell. Jam your Chopsticks or Heart and Soul or whatever other song you learned at Church Camp, then pray to your god that I’m in the mood to kill you quickly.

Get this cupcake blanket/fleece poncho/mu’umu’u to hide your muffin top. But apparently not your shame.

At my house, you don’t need a bra-shaped sleeping mask to pull off this look. That’s right folks, my bras are 32 AA. Yes, that is a real size. No, I didn’t get them at Baby Gap. *runs off crying*

Here’s a tea towel that mocks all those Best Cuts of Meat placemats. But I think we can all agree those placemats are kind of a waste and the real best cut of meat is whatever you can drag home on a Friday night.

Apparently you can use your washing machine to store cold drinks for parties. Just remember to separate your white drinks from your colored drinks, you goddamned racist.

This is one way to keep your coworkers out of your lunch box. Another way is to fill the lunch box with pirañas. Less practical, but very dramatic. A third way is a decoy lunch laced with ipecac. I find a few hours of violent vomiting really makes an impression.

These towel clips are genius unless you have one of those shitty plastic loungers. But if you do, you’re probably swimming in a septic tank so it’s a lost cause anyway.

Shark, Dolphin and Crab Leg, $16.25