Oh, even our cheese graters have to be twee now? For the love of Gouda. Check back tomorrow to learn whether grating the fuck out of my wrists has resulted in a successful suicide.

Oh, like it’s new news that stroking it changes the size of your beater.

Good news, this post isn’t about another excruciating bacon product. It’s about Benny’s Beef Straws for your Bloody Marys. Straws made out of beef, y’all. As a Texan, Ron Swanson aficionado and high-functioning alcoholic I personally endorse this product. Benny, you can pay me in cash, credit or beef straw middles. I know you don’t just throw those away.

Dirty Doilies are just the thing you need the next time your in-laws are in town. Nothing says “you’re not really welcome here” quite like penises, high heels and open leg squats.

via Incredible Things

I come from a long line of domestic goddesses, so I already have my Grandmother’s recipes framed and hanging in my kitchen. And by that I’ve mean I’ve stapled the label from a bottle of Tequila onto the wall above my Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.

They need to make a version of this plate with one big circle that says “feelings.” Ladies, it’s okay to admit that you eat your feelings when you’re sad or lonely or quarantined by the city. Even I do it. But just like the rest of me, my feelings are of above-average radness, so my circle would be filled with Foie Gras, cheescake and quaaludes soaked in virgin blood.

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Fucking awesome door accessory…and also probably a little anal rape.

via CMYBacon

For this post, I’m just drafting off MadeByGirl. Yeah, blog drafting, that’s a thing…. But seriously look at how freaking cool these floating cabinets are and guess where they’re from? Ikea. All she did was added a stained piece of wood on top and some fancy pants-y hardware. My mass-manufactured, plussed-up-with-custom-accessories hat’s off to you, MadeByGirl, you magnificent son-of-a-bitch.

With just a flick of the wrist you, too, can enter the enchanting wonderland of high blood pressure, bloating and swollen ankles. Welcome to your 30s, snitches.

Magical Wand Salt & Pepper Shaker, $15

I’m a little teapot,

Short and stout.

Here is my handle,

Here is my spout.

When I get all steamed up

I will shout

That you’ll probably get gastroenteritis from non-pathogenic microbial bone-decay residue contaminating your tea, or possibly even contract cadaverine or putrescine from ingesting toxic doses of the substances.