The Thing is a subscription to quarterly objects that include words created by artists and writers. I guess I should support their vision, but instead I’m taking a giant 2o12 inaugural dump on it. Q1′s object: a shower curtain written by Dave Eggers. For the first time, the thing in the bathroom most full of shit won’t be your butt. Let’s hope that crab shampoo also gets rid of affectations, pretensions and general douchetardness.

“Voted toaster most likely to result in a felony.” – The Where’s My Fucking Coffee Times

“Toaster to the face is a surprisingly effective treatment for adult onset acne.” – Zit-Girl Magazine

“It’s not torture. It’s breakfast.” – The C.I.A.

Four out of five firefighters agree that the owner of this chain lock deserves to burn to death.

This thing is the business. It’s made entirely of thread and an old Plinko board and if you don’t have one of those lying around, it’s super easy to get one — just let Drew Carey feel you up. Totally worth it.

To my mind, chess isn’t game. It’s a viable alternative to suicide. But for you dorks who can’t get enough of the only pass time that can out-boring golf, here’s a vertical version of the game designed to help you show off the pleated khakis, crack sweat, cellphone holster, and ball cleave. For the love of Jesus, will someone please write a book for nerds explaining how to wear pants.

 The See Saw Table

 Voted “Romantic Table for Two Most Likely to Result in a Murder / Suicide” – Tables Digest

“Perfect for couples teetering on the edge.” – Table Fancy

“The ideal place to split a meal and his scrotum.” - Nard Puncher Daily

I recently stumbled across the Partners & Spade shop. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but it looks pretentious so we should totally rip off those 1%ers and their hoity toity designs. Like these $45 salt and pepper shakers. Step 1: steal tiny S&P shakers from your local bistro; Step 2: Steal tiny cars from your local private preschool; Step 3: Glue together; Step 4: Head to your local Occupy Wall Street protest to show off you’re new J. Crew coat. It sounds wrong, but it feel so right.

I don’t know which one of you numbnuts can’t light a match without burning your fingers, but if it’s you, here’s another product you might want to put on every day. You know, just in case.

This a choose your own adventure post. If you are a total nerd, proceed to post A. If you are no longer a virgin, proceed to post B.

Post A: I always wondered what kind of mugs they had in the break room at House Harkonnen. I take my face pustule ooze gooey with two sugars, please.

Post B: Finally, a mug that helps you out with those post-coffee urges. You know what I’m talking about. Diarrhea. It’s got a butt plug for your diarrhea. Man, that nerd post is way better. Too bad you’re so dumb.

Bonus Post: * makes fart noises with hands*

You have to feel just a bit sorry for the One Gallon Flask. After all, it is the world’s most pointless fluid receptacle. Oh wait, I just remembered Courtney Stodden. Giant flask FTW.