You can’t put a price on the simple thrill of offending people. Oh, wait. You can. It’s $10. I thought this was a print, but it’s actually a t-shirt. You could technically use it as an apron with some strategic cutting, and that’s home-and-garden enough for me. You kids have a problem with that? Because I’ll turn this internet around! That’s what I thought.

Via Pinterest.

I didn’t think it possible, but there is something out there stupider than a vague, sweeping internet censorship bill written by a bunch of computer-illiterate old blowhards who, as we speak, are probably on the phone with one of their grandkids trying to figure out how to “make the sex tweets” at their intern. Wondering if this dog rack dog humiliation device is even real? Me, too. But we’ll have to wait until tomorrow because the Fairdale site is closed to protest SOPA.

The VHS notebook is the perfect place to compose the 500-page dissertation it will take to explain Roku to your mom. I know. As my mom is so fond of reminding me, “You’ll get old someday and then you won’t be able to do the technology either.” And as I am so fond of reminding her, “Nuh-uh!”

I hate the Rubix cube. That is all. No wait…I hate it when people say “that is all.” So that is all.

via Liz “No Preservatives” R.

Rock-a-bye baby in the tree top, when the wind blows…dirty underpants to your tiny baby face. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That’ll teach you to be a baby, motherfucker.

I love this Push to Quit wood panel. Not only is it really cool, it also gives me good practice for the next time I find you at the top of a staircase.

 These gesture pop-up cards cover almost the entire spectrum of my emotions. There’s “Fuck You,” “Punch to the Face,” “Your Chode is Stupid Long,” “Look at the Stars,” and “Bunny Ears in Your Instagram.” I’d still like to see the last two, though: “Surprise! Prostate Exam!” and “Titty Twister.”

I can’t wait to make these Vintage Camera Nightlights and give them to you. Except mine will be real cameras specially made for the bathroom. I’ve been looking to throw up more and something tells me your nakedness just might do the trick.

via CMYBacon

The Thing is a subscription to quarterly objects that include words created by artists and writers. I guess I should support their vision, but instead I’m taking a giant 2o12 inaugural dump on it. Q1′s object: a shower curtain written by Dave Eggers. For the first time, the thing in the bathroom most full of shit won’t be your butt. Let’s hope that crab shampoo also gets rid of affectations, pretensions and general douchetardness.

“Voted toaster most likely to result in a felony.” – The Where’s My Fucking Coffee Times

“Toaster to the face is a surprisingly effective treatment for adult onset acne.” – Zit-Girl Magazine

“It’s not torture. It’s breakfast.” – The C.I.A.