Pretentious up that luggage, ya heard? Moleskein Luggage Tags. With a trend like this, American Apparel Tote Thongs can’t be far behind.

via CMYBacon

These coasters aren’t very functional since you can only use them at Canadian weddings.

Better to fog your spectacles than flog your testicles, amiright?

Eh, fuck you. It’s Friday and I have a brand new house to decorate. Catch you drips on the flip!

This utensil has a lot going on. On the one hand it might stab you, but on the other hand it might just redneck you to death.

Listen, you pretentious hippie posters, if I want to be judged I’ll go to church like a normal person. And by “church,” I obviously mean Judge Judy. She’s one tough cookie!

Coincidentally, Disposable Flask was my nickname in college.

I’ll have you know that at my house, making tacos IS making war. Because I like to kill the cows myself, and also because I like to give them weapons and encourage them to fight back. You haven’t seen combat until you’ve seen a Red Angus with a thirst for blood, recently grave-snatched and freshly-stitched-on opposable human thumbs and a rusty Puckle Gun. Unless you’ve seen Apocalypse Now, in which case let’s just move on, shall we?

Just like yours, these cocks deal with a lot of condensation. Oh, you said “condescension”? Carry on…

Who exactly needs coffee soap to wake up their hands while washing them? I’ll tell you who: the friend I had in High School who would sit on his hand before masturbating so that it would fall asleep and feel like a stranger was touching his wiener. Otherwise known as The Smartest and Eighth Most Perverted Friend I’ve Ever Had.

Apparently the cast of Pawn Stars just discovered the invention of mail because all of these bacon-flavored envelopes are out of stock.

via Clint “Drop It Like It’s Hot” Martin