Saturday, January 5, 2013

A Dirty Trick

Looks like I can finally upgrade my bath style from Whore’s to Cowboy. Cowboy Bath lets you scrub dem dirty parts when you’re on the go, like camping, mountain biking and probably also semi-professional backyard mud-wrasslin’. Plus it’s from fucking TEXAS where all amazing things are created. I’ll just leave exhibits A and B right here.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Tie One On

Cute. A flask you can hide in your tie and take to work. One question. You can’t drink openly at your office? I’ve been drinking non-stop in this office for years and no one’s said a damn thing. Wait … this isn’t an office. It’s an underpass. Man, that got depressing fast. Jäger Bombs, anyone? Twitchy guy in dirty bear costume, I’m looking at you.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Crafter’s Paradise

My lifestyle is artsy, my craft friends would agree
So much tape that wrapping paper don’t faze me
Hot glue gun, DIY? Done.
Groupies on my Pinterest for some homemade fun
Craft blog is booming, internet zooming
Known around the web for my sick yarn looming
Martha Stewart’s teacher, DIY feature
Got some raw wool in my pantry waiting for me to bleach her,
Too many thrifts, turned into gifts
Give any crap from Goodwill a supercute facelift
Crease and tape it like a champ, never have to glue it
Cuz wrapping  ain’t easy; but somebody gotta do it

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Waiting for the Other Call to Drop

I just got back from a vacation where I had to wear flip-flops (barf party) every day for a week. Flip-flops aren’t shoes. I felt homeless, just like this stupid flip-flop phone looks homeless. Phone homeless. ET Phone Homeless. The ET stands for Embarrassing Travesty. Also, I left my brain on vacation, did you notice?

Friday, July 20, 2012

A Cherry on Top

Get this cupcake blanket/fleece poncho/mu’umu’u to hide your muffin top. But apparently not your shame.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Like a Candle Up Your End

I was reading Apartment Therapy (don’t get any ideas, you keep reading BHG until you finish the whole site, young lady / man) when I ran across this photo of a candle app. I was like, “This can’t be an actual thing. Someone is making mischief in the Photoshop.” Wrong. I couldn’t be bothered to click through to read the whole article, so I googled it. It’s real. Owning this app should make you a leper. Like saying “OMG” out loud. You should be declared legally dead and escorted by a mourning procession of your friends and family to an isolated colony where you can live out the rest of your days in a cave reading The Bible by your precious candle app. Unclean!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Bitches and Pussies: Hate in an Elevator

A few weeks ago we posted about how Bret Michaels is designing his own pet-wear. It appears that Steven Tyler’s emaciated corpse wants in on that. Well, not S.T.’s corpse, per se, but Puppylocks, makers of fine feather weaves for your pooch. Which is great, because I’d hate for there to be a totally played-out trend that our pets can’t enjoy. And just because, here’s a picture of a 90s cheerleader bow the groomer slapped onto my wolf hybrid. It’s all fun and games until someone gets their face eaten.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Hot and Bothered

I’m using my ultra-awesome neon matches to burn up all my totally outdated ikat matches. Wouldn’t be caught dead smoking my Kools outside Buffalo Exchange with those anymore.

Thursday, June 28, 2012


Unless someone builds me a marinara swimming pool, a melted cheese hot tub and a Hazmat-certified solid gold panic room*,  this pretzel pool float can move the fuck along.




*Sometimes a gal just needs a panic room, mkay?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Don’t Bed on Me

This Converse pillow is cool, but I’ve been sleeping on a Chuck for years. Your father says hello, by the way.

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