To most thoroughly enjoy the dumpster swimming pool, one needn’t be waste, but should surely be wasted.

Someone finally found a way to make bikes even more annoying than that guy who welded one bike onto another bike to make a double-doucher mega bike. Fuck, I hate that guy.

Chalktrail is a road-scribbling bike accessory that is technically for kids. So, go donate to their Kickstarter. Do it for the kids. But hipsters, stay away from this. If I catch you riding bacon-filled donuts in my parking lot your name is going onto my Christmas Murder List, post haste.

Via Swiss Miss.

Throw all the other bacon-themed products inside, promise to have it cremated and I’m on board.

What a waste of sandwich. Starving, mustache-less kids in wherever starving, mustache-less kids hang out these days are rolling over in their premature graves. Now that the Apartment Therapy couple is breaking up, we’re the only blog moms you have. And we say eat your damn sandwich with the crusts on. In fact, you’ll be lucky if you get a sandwich since today is hot pool cleaning guy day and mommies have a very important butt to ogle through the back window.

Frido Kahlo demonstrates the next big trend in ironic mustaches: growing them four inches north.

When she saw this fucking hipster bike chair, my pal Meagan accurately observed, “This looks like something old people sit on in the shower.” Well, Meagan, if it inspires hipsters to start showering, I think we can consider it a success.

And somehow in both of them you’re a filthy goddamn liar. And a eunuch. And a doucheface. Needless to say, this is pretty much my favorite story ever.

via Gen “Isn’t She Neato” Polito

Oh, even our cheese graters have to be twee now? For the love of Gouda. Check back tomorrow to learn whether grating the fuck out of my wrists has resulted in a successful suicide.

Turns out Pharrell Williams is inexplicably in the candle business, and he has a serious message: FUCK YOU, ELECTRICITY! Not that it comes as any surprise: Pharrell is a traditional Amish name meaning, “He who forcefully plows the backyard.” Though some prefer the modern meaning: “That art what she said.”

OAT biodegradable shoes grow seeds when buried underground. Great idea, geniuses. Everybody knows the proper way to dispose of your sneaks is over a telephone wire. Plus, I’m going to go out on a limb (See what I did there?) and say most people already have stuff growing in their shoes. Double burn. In your face revolutionary, earth-friendly technology. In your face.